‘The recurring dream that led to an epiphany about my mother’s death’

I’ve been having recurring dreams for a long time relating to my long passed away mother. In the dream I have a mobile phone that I don’t know how to use. I can’t find contacts and I can’t remember my mother’s number. I am trying to call her as I am going to be late. Late for what I do not know.

My inability to contact my mother or remember her details causes me to become more distressed! It’s quite a dilemma.

Though I’ve been trying to find the hidden meaning in this recurring dream, it has only come to me recently. I’m astounded!

Back in 1991 my mother had terminal bowel cancer and emphysema. I was 38 and was married with two children. We had a family trip to the United States planned so we could take the children to Disneyland etc. returning via Fiji for a few days.

Just before our departure Mum developed a bad cold, which was not ideal in her state of health. I felt I should cancel the trip, but also felt obliged not to disappoint the family. She more than encouraged me to go as did her doctor, assuring me she was not going to pass away in the next couple of weeks.

I left her on a Thursday afternoon, reluctantly saying goodbye. I cried all the way home. We flew out the next day.

All seemed to be going okay until near the end of our time in US. We’d had continual phone contact with Mum back at home and just before we were to fly out of the US I spoke to my sister, who Mum was staying with and then to Mum who assured me all was good at home.

What I didn’t know was that my sister wanted to speak to me again to tell us to come straight home and not go to Fiji as planned as things were not as good as we were being told. Mum was failing.

Without this knowledge we boarded our flight to Fiji. We had only been on the island for a day when we returned to our bure to be told there was an urgent phone call for me. It was my sister telling me that Mum had decided to cease all medication as she didn’t want to go on any longer.

I spoke to Mum and begged her to please wait a few days to enable us to get home. She told me that she could not go back on her word to her doctor regarding stopping her medication. I was devastated. It was night time on the island and we had no means to leave before morning. The staff were exemplary and took us from the island by speed boat at dawn.

As the boat sped through the water, the sun was just dawning and I remember looking at it and thinking if she were to pass it was beautiful sunrise to witness which I could remember her by.

We were able to change our travel and boarded a flight to Melbourne via Sydney. The transit from international to domestic was excruciating.

We at last arrived at Melbourne airport where I called my sister from a public phone, it was now 2pm. My sister had to tell me that Mum had passed away in the early hours of the morning. I dropped the phone and dropped to my knees in the airport.

We took a taxi to my sister’s home. I cried the whole journey. When we arrived I ran to be by her bedside and sat with her for ages. I kissed her and talked to her, half expecting her to wake up and talk to me.

The following days were a blur. I would wake early and go for a walk, but I was consumed by my grief. I remember little of the funeral, such a state I was in.

My family needed me. I had two children to look after. However, I missed my mother so much. I would talk to her every day.

My family endured a number of challenges over the following years. We lost our family business and our house. I needed to show strength and provide support during that time, so looking back on it now I feel that I never really had the chance to properly grieve my mother’s death. I was not only needing to grieve that, but the downfall of situations in the family. A few years later, my marriage failed.

It’s been more than 25 years since I started having this dream. I feel that not being able to call my mother to let her know I would be running late is what my dream is all about.

Perhaps coincidentally, the moment I came to this realisation I was able to remember my mother’s phone number. It was the first time in years!

I cried with relief when I came to this conclusion. I’d been carrying so much guilt about my mother’s passing. I hope this is the turning point and there is peace ahead.

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