‘Put me out to grass at your own peril’

Do you remember when we were young? Our life was just a continuous summer. There were no such malevolencies as cholesterol, osteoporosis, rheumatism and wrinkles, and we thought that to reach the age of 30 was the time to pack it all in, because 30 was old!

Well, come September I will be two and a half times old, plus one! I recently updated my Facebook profile picture because the one I had been using was now a lie! Five years makes a lot of difference!

I looked up the word ‘retired’ in a thesaurus recently. Alternatives are given as ‘elderly’, ‘discharged’, and worst of all, ‘put out to grass’!

That got me into my speculative mood. I began to wonder on two levels.

Why did I ever bother to save for my old age, when it is free! God doesn’t even have the good grace to give us a get-out clause in the small print. Because it is free, there is a ‘No Return Policy’. Unlike a frock from Amazon or some rotten bananas in your online food order, ‘poor fit’, ‘poor quality’ or ‘not required’ does not cut the mustard. Whether you like it or not, you have reached the point of ‘No Return’. Just thank your lucky stars that the Chancellor has not cottoned on to old age being free, or it will be taxed! This will make saving for it even more fruitless.

On the next level, I decided that continuing to make this provision is also quite pointless, because it is here. However, that has an upside …

Like thousands of us, who are, by definition, retired (or put out to grass), we can now spend the savings for our ‘old age’ on a cruise, or some ridiculously wobbly high heel shoes, or some artificial grass to be ‘put out to’, which will save the arduous task of having to mow the lawn. There are so many alternative and suitably feckless ways to spend our ‘savings for old age’.

I used to be a little indecisive on matters such as these. However, being elderly, I find I cannot make up my mind, so perhaps I should be discharged before I spend my family’s inheritance!

No, not yet! I have a plan!

Some bright spark could design a new style of shroud, which does have pockets, but until the user knows the exact direction in which our sins will ultimately take us, we would need to ensure that the currency in our pockets is of the non-combustible type, just to be on the safe-side!

To date I have no reliable data on non-combustible currency, so you will need to research it yourself. Nevertheless, I reckon that if someone managed to develop such a useful combination, as a shroud with pockets, and non-combustible currency, as a package deal, investment bids would be on fire on Dragon’s Den.

However, I would warn that although product sales would be brisk, there would be no ‘Repeat Orders’, and happy customers would have no means of putting a 5-star ‘review’ online.

One final request I would like to add, is; could someone please invent a clock that stops? I was 16 years old just yesterday (or was that the day before?), but all the clocks seem to be racing on and I am not ready to be put out to grass yet, at least not until I can remember why I saved for an eventuality that is clearly free!

Are you saving for ‘old age’? How are you planning (or did you plan) for your retirement?

Keen to share your thoughts with other 60-pluses? You can sign up as a contributor and submit your stories to Starts at 60. While you’re at it, why not join the Starts at 60 Bloggers Club on Facebook here to talk to other writers in the Starts at 60 community and learn more about how to write for Starts at 60. Community blogs published on the website go into the draw for some great weekly prizes.