The realities of sex as a senior

One topic I don’t hear discussed very often is sex. When I was young, sex was always on my mind. We talked about it incessantly – who we had it with, where we had it, and how often it happened. It was a hot topic of conversation and regular fodder for cocktail parties.

But my older friends rarely talk about sex. Why is that? Is it like revealing your finances, a taboo topic?

I know my libido isn’t as high as it used to be. When I was young, I thought about sex all the time. Now I have other things on my mind, like where did I put my glasses? Did you finish the chocolate? Is my doctor’s appointment today or tomorrow?

But I think there are many other reasons seniors don’t have sex. Here are a few of my thoughts:

If I get too excited, I might pee in the bed.

No, don’t turn off the lights. I can’t see in the dark.

Are you moaning? Let me turn up my hearing aids.

You want to check the price of Bitcoin? Now?

Don’t answer that, it’s probably your mother again.

I’d really prefer a massage.

What’s that funky smell? Is it you or the dog?

Let’s just take a bath and cuddle in the walk-in tub.

Believe me, I look a lot better if I just keep my bra on.

Don’t you like my lacy Depends?

Let’s watch the neighbours and pretend we’re doing it too.

Maybe you should’ve clipped your toenails before you got into bed.

Mind if we turn off the basketball game this time?

Is that the vibrator or the electric toothbrush?

My teeth hurt, mind if I take them out?

Is this the blindfold or your sleeping mask?

Did you put on some soft romantic music? Or is that the hum of my hearing aids?

I lost the key to the handcuffs.

My Viagra bottle is empty!

Can we wait until I finish this chapter?

Ow! Did you leave a pencil in the bed?

This fit me the last time we tried this.

I’ll have to go to the chiropractor if I try that position.

I have very high blood pressure. Do you think we should risk it on a quick romp in the hay?

Uh oh, the batteries just died.

Where did you read about this position?

Is this Viagra or my incontinence pill?

Hold on, my daughter is calling me.

Don’t forget to blow out those candles after we’re through, otherwise, the house might burn down.

Oh great, Frisky wants another biscuit.

You want to lick chocolate sauce off my body? What about your diabetes?

If it wasn’t for my macular degeneration I could really see how beautiful you are.

Did you turn off the oven?

It’s your turn to be on the bottom. My back hurt for days last time.

I think the expiration date on that lube was 1992.

You don’t need to pull down the shades. Believe me, nobody really wants to look at people our age.

Mind if we don’t kiss? Your breath smells like a sow’s ass.

Why don’t we just go watch that racy movie and just pretend we’re still 30?

I know many still champion their active sex lives, but who are these people? I read about them from time to time, but I suspect they’re the minority. Maybe they’re the same ones still doing marathons, or bench pressing 650 pounds and having lettuce smoothies. Whoever they are, good for them!

But I’m okay not caring about sex that much anymore. I’m always afraid I’m going to hurt myself anyway, and who wants to deal with that?