A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He goes over to the first priest and says: “Hey, I’m Jesus Christ!”
The priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says: “Man, I’m Jesus Christ!”
Then the priest says: “No son, you’re not.”
Finally, the drunk gets fed up and says: “Here, I’ll prove it.”
He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says: “Jesus Christ, you’re back again?!”
Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they’ll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order.
Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass the time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories.
So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all: “Guys, I left our room key at reception.”
Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints five kilometres on the first day, two kilometres on the second day and only one on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy.