A boy was asked to do a report on childbirth and so he asked his parents how he was born.
“Well honey,” said the slightly prudish parent. “The stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?”
“Oh, your grandparents found us under a rock.” the mother answered getting quite uncomfortable.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, they were found under a cabbage leaf,” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his report to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
Tony had just finished reading a new book titled, You Can Be The Man of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced: “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a delicious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and make love the way that I want. Then, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, just take a wild guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
Without skipping a beat his wife answered: “The funeral director would be my first guess.”
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt! That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife: ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”