Help! How do I teach my partner what I want or desire?

Q: Help! How do I teach my partner what I want or desire?

Your question of how to do I teach my partner what I want, or what I desire, or my fantasy, is one that so many people ask. It is really tough to tell our partners what we would like sexually. We are often worried about them feeling rejected or inadequate, or that they may not be doing it right.

Alternatively, we may feel insecure about what we want and think our partners will judge us. I can though, absolutely reassure you that once you find the confidence and the right way to have that conversation with your partner, your sex-life will zing and open up numerous new experiences.

As we know, sex with our partner is a 2-way experience, so a great way to initiate a conversation about what we want is to ask them about some of the things they might like.

If they are unsure about what they like, you can offer some lovely warm-up touches on parts of their body and invite them to start noticing what feels good for them and what doesn’t. You can let your partner knows that it is really helpful for you if they are able to verbally direct you in what they want and don’t want during sex as it helps keep you both in the experience and enjoying it.

Once your partner has experienced that focus on discovering their pleasure, you can re-direct to your desires. Ask them if they would like to start touching you and learn what feels good for you. It is ok to be more directive at this point and guide your partner’s hands to the parts of your body you would like to be touched and show them how you like it.

Stay aware of how your partner is reacting. If at any time they look uncomfortable, take it back a step or two to gentle touching, or touching parts of your body other than your penis. Your partner will let you know when and what they are ready for.

The key to having your partner wanting to, and enjoying, touching you in ways you desire is to keep the conversation going. After the experience, ask them how it was for them, and what felt good for them. Share how you felt, that you loved having them touch you in that way and you are excited for the next time when you can discover more core desires or fantasies of the other.

Got a question you’d like to ask Polly? Submit your 100% anonymous question here!