‘I want to see more ‘old women’ reading the news on TV and I want to be one of them!’

I would dearly love to read the news on television. I don’t see any old women doing this and I’d be okay with being the first.

Newsreaders, apart from speaking well and at the right speed, need to be young and attractive. They can be male or female but must look good. Actually come to think of it this rule doesn’t apply to the blokes who can be portly and bald.

What’s wrong with clean, elderly, female and informed? It seems that if you’re a woman you must be able to wear high heels and arrange your legs so that standing up looks effortless. You mustn’t topple over doing this.

Whatever happened to sitting down reading the news from behind a tidy desk? No chairs? After you’ve managed this for a while, you must be quick to slither round and stand up behind a desk during the ad break. That’s possibly where you could slip your high heels off and nobody would know.

You’re not allowed to make any comments about the news. Now that would be the hard part. It would be difficult to keep a zipped mouth when you’d long to say things like “How dopey is that!” or “Who cares?!” You could help by pointing out where the countries with problems are. Like, “Hey, that’s just a short drive from Liechtenstein,” or “That’s next door to Croatia/Sri Lanka/New Zealand.”

You have to feign an interest in sport and look really excited when one team wins. Well, of course one team will win and one will lose. That’s the whole point of the exercise. You must look surprised when some poor coach gets sacked ‘cause his team loses. Haven’t they figured out that someone loses? For heaven’s sake give him/her another go. Maybe the players were having an off day? Fair enough.

It has to be boring just kicking/throwing/stabbing/whacking a ball all the time and in all sorts of weather. I often wonder who tackles the washing at their place.

We don’t have to take any notice of what they think either, that’s if they do think. After all they’re not rocket scientists. That’s where “Who cares?” comes in.

I’d be happy to do the weather report too. I could help the folks affected by some weather event by pointing out the right clothes for the day, plus medical advice. Surely that’d be helpful? “Pop on some 50-plus sunscreen today and take a cardy.”

I could also add little interesting bits of information for travellers now and then when news was thin, like the best coffee shops, cleanest loos in the area, cheap eats, handy bowling clubs.

I’d like to be dressed by the wardrobe person at SBS. Spectacular! I’d even go so far as to say ‘crazy’, but my attire would quite take the mind off horrible things happening around the world like starvation and gunfire and Mother Nature turning nasty.

I could have interesting make-up as well. Help to concentrate the brain I think. The band Kiss springs to mind.

Anyone want to hire me?

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