‘Have you got what it takes to become a senior citizen?’

Today I woke up! Yeah, my retirement is rolling on. Pace myself, take notes for seniorisating this morning.

I woke up, still breathing, gone grey, I am there! Or, still here! Hell, yeah. So, I shall look at my to-do list. Too much to do, I shall reduce that before I hit the ablutions. Barring major medical or personal catastrophes, today I am staying put, going nowhere. Everything is all right, we seniors must all aim to relax.

What woke me up, and no doubt you? Our bladders, mostly. Nowadays, one for the road means a pee before leaving the home. After my shower, being a stud magnet (huh!), I adorn myself with support hosiery. I gaze at old age. Yes, you are so varicose, o veins. Songs like that need a woman’s touch.

Yes, another day on Earth. Youth has gone. For seniorisating, we must have a daily positive plan.

Step one! I am not to look at my hair brush. Realistically, I am now a whiter shade of grey. Males my age can be bald. Fluff that, as my old dog used to bark.

Now to brush the fangs. Lots of seniors are here too. We are the denture queens. ABBA look-alike nots. But they are now ageing too.

Bit of a cough this morning, old smoker, you see. More glug in the pipes than you have ever seen.

Now on the commode again, is there any Imodium? Sounds like a song. Good old Willy Nelson. A role model.

It is time to prepare my plant-based food for healthy retirement living. How hyperactive! Should I be like our hero, Willy Nelson, to smoke all these leafy greens? That is a rhetorical question. Ancient philosophy, what to do with kale? A disgusting food group, smoke the lot.

Right, I need to plan my leisure time. These pandemic restrictions are perfect for introverted seniors like me. Once we were young. Our mothers used to accuse us of gallivanting. I despondently answered that I was merely writing a research essay, into the night, like my co-students. I was thinking, my peers were all a’drinking. Gallivanting is a lovely word, I admire a good vocabulary.

So, I ain’t misbehaving anyway. For virus isolates, no dates.

Boomers who are now experiencing seniorisating, we had tough mothers. Retirement is rolling on. Double check, I am still alive and breathing. Hell yeah, I am there.

Seniors come from tough stock. My sisters, my nieces and I all come from a line of strong women. For true seniorisation, we need to adopt a never-say-die attitude. Enjoy this day on Earth.

That is my to-do list, not much to do. Might cook alphabet soup: ‘A’ is for Arthritis, ‘B’ is for Bursitis, ‘C’ is for senior constipation … ‘F’ is for our foot doctors, always our friends. ‘Z’ is for the big Zzzzz at the end, no need to go round the bend. These are a few of our favourite things!

We might say we need more humour for Boomers. My retirement rolls on, seniorisating is a blast!