Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He doesn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he is feeling, he wonders if he did something wrong.
Jack forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”.
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks: “Son, what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son: “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replied: “Oh that! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed: ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!'”
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream: “Where did you get that car?!”
He calmly told them: “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy. “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?”
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.” I don’t know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
Confused, the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”
She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the S**t”.