A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.
“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
“Well, to tell you the truth, Doc, yes,” answered the patient. “You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I’m never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I’m going, or what it is I’m going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?”
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone: “Pay me in advance”.
A new CEO at a company decides to fire all of the slackers. When he’s done with that, he returns to his office to see a guy leaning on his desk.
“What the hell is he doing?!” he thinks. So he walks up to the guy and says: “What the hell are you doing?!”
The guy says “I’m waiting to get paid”.
The CEO says: “OK, how much do you get paid in a week?”
The guy says: “About $300”.
The CEO gives the guy $1200 and says: “Now go away and never come back!”
The guy walks away. The CEO says: “Will someone please tell me what the hell I just did?!”
An employee from the back says: “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza man $1200”.