Help! My new and good lover likes to watch his woman have sex with other men. What do I do?

Q: My new, and very much-loved partner, besides being a good lover as well, is stimulated by watching his woman being intimate with other men. Movies or media are not the answer. We are in our 70s. I appreciate your perspectives.

Whoo hoo, I am celebrating you and your partner! It is fabulous you acknowledge him as a great lover, yet I also celebrate your level of intimacy with him. To be able to openly discuss your sexual wants and needs is a very sexy attribute for any couple.

I love that you are aware of your own boundaries around what you are willing to do sexually. Often, we allow our partners to cross our boundaries when we feel pressure to engage in sexual activities that make us feel uncomfortable just to please them. This only builds resentment, and anger and ultimately breaks down the intimacy between the couple.

Your partner’s desire to watch his woman be intimate with other men is the way he has discovered that satisfies his core desires, and good on him for being able to share it with you. Our core desires are the basis for what turns us on sexually. They are usually formed during childhood and are a result of the way we were parented or a significant event in our early years. They are even sometimes formed through a traumatic or painful experience.

Our core desires are the feelings we want to have during a sexual experience, whereas our fantasies are the scenarios that will give us those feelings. Our core desires rarely change throughout our lives, but what does change is the way we fulfil them. So, while your partner has discovered one way to satisfy his core desires, I can assure you there are multiple ways to play that will give him the same feelings.

The desire to watch your woman with other men sounds like your partner’s core desires are around feeling powerful, in control, and being the master. That he has something that other men desire is very powerful, and validating of him as a man.

I would love for you and him to explore other sexual activities that enable him to feel those same feelings, to experience feeling that powerful, manly and in control. A great place to start would be role-playing together and sharing the fantasy where he could pretend to be someone else, take on the energy of a stranger and see how that makes him feel.

Alternatively, if it does excite you, explore online options on ways to fulfil your partner’s sexual fantasy, there are various apps and chat rooms where you can virtually act out the scenario of you with another man while your partner directs and watches.

I wish you lots of passionate experiences as you find new ways to play, and if you are keen to discover your own core desires and what really turns you on, and have a go at the exercise in this attachment!

Much love and desire, Polly. Xo

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IMPORTANT LEGAL INFO This article is of a general nature and FYI only, because it doesn’t take into account your personal health requirements or existing medical conditions. That means it’s not personalised health advice and shouldn’t be relied upon as if it is. Before making a health-related decision, you should work out if the info is appropriate for your situation and get professional medical advice.

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