Don’t be a doormat: Learn to say ‘no’

Are you one of those people who can’t seem to say ‘no’ to anyone and always puts the needs of others before your own? Even when it is at the detriment of your own health and well being…?

Why is it that some people have no problem saying no, putting themselves first, or never even seem to get asked to do so?

Don’t you just wish that you could be assertive and stand up for yourself, speak your truth, do what is right for you and to be guilt free when you do it?

Well, the good news is that you can… It will, however, take some work on your part. You have to retrain your nearest and dearest to be more independent, to think of their own solutions rather than automatically running to you the ‘fixer’.

The truth is, once you have started being that person who solves everyone else’s problems, everyone will always default to you for every problem or issue that arises. They won’t try to sort it themselves because that is always how they have done it in the past.

And here’s the kicker, by sorting out other people’s problems for them you are really not doing them any favours at all. You are disempowering them and not allowing them to learn and take control of their own lives. If you want things to change, you have to do things differently!

Now I know what I am talking about here. I was the ‘go to person’ and the ‘fixer’ in my family for many, many years. Every little problem that raised its head was offered to me to solve. I always solved it, I did it very well and I got a bit of a buzz from being that person.

These days, I realise how unhealthy this can be for all concerned. The person with the problem is not being honoured by learning and growing by doing the work themselves. The person doing the ‘fixing’ isn’t honouring themselves, or the person with the problem may also be getting some kind of secondary gain from the situation. Which means there is some kind of benefit from disempowering behaviour.

The healthiest way for everyone is for each individual to deal with their own issues and problems. When this is not possible, it’s time to seek professional help. Seeking assistance from someone who specialises in a particular area is not a cop out at all, it’s taking responsibility for and part of fixing, your own problem. A professional fixer is different from a doormat.

I am a professional fixer (Life Coach) so I needed to become very clear whether I was in my professional (paid) capacity or whether I was being a doormat for family and friends. It’s a fine line, but needed to be made. After a few years of gradual and gentle disentanglement, I find that the people in my life who are not my clients, are becoming more assertive in handling their own lives.

Let me just clarify here, I also encourage my clients to become empowered to solve their own problems. However, as they are paying me for my help, it is totally appropriate for me to be involved and guide them to find their own solutions.

Everyone has the answers to all their problems, right inside themselves and sometimes it just needs to be brought to the fore.