Men are better in bed than out…

I recently heard that men worry now because they think women only regard them as sex symbols. I mean… hulloo! What did they think they were? Baby sitters? No!  Shopping trolleys? No. Cooks, washers, cleaners, housekeepers, a useful tool (sorry)? No. They have finally worked out what all that pouting, no speakies, foot stamping and general bloody-mindedness means – we’re not getting enough! So guys, work it out – yes, you’re sex symbols. Now this is a good thing. I’m on to my third marriage because I stupidly thought my other husbands were faulty, and that surely they should be good at something else – Wrong. No, see, in bed men are very entertaining. I’m all for them in bed. That’s where they belong – it’s their forte – and that’s where they should be kept. They shouldn’t be allowed to set foot out of the bedroom because, as any woman will tell you and as any fool can see, that’s when all the trouble begins.

I don’t know what it is, but as soon as men put their feet on the floor they turn into another person. For a start, as soon as a man’s feet touch the floor they lose their hearing. I mean, in bed they’re a slave to your every whim. They don’t miss a sound, even a whisper. And it doesn’t matter what you ask them to do, they do it – no matter how ridiculous, how impossible or what position they have to adopt… no problema! Your wish is their command. That supine, see. But upright, the blood rushes away from their brain and that other thing and they loose all cognitive skills. Is it motor neurone disease or what? Because it’s not only their hearing that goes, but their eyesight. They can wander up to the fridge and open the door and see nothing – yet it’s full of the week’s shopping. They don’t know where anything is – their shoes, their glasses, their socks. They walk round in circles. I mean, it’s pathetic. If they were a dog you’d have them put down.

So really, guys, you shouldn’t be worried if we just think of you as sex symbols. You should be thrilled. I mean, see, we thought that’s what we were, but we’re not – no way. We’re all those other things that we thought you were. And I’ll tell you something else – if I gave you a job description for a female, you’d see straight away that we’re built all wrong. We should have a bloody wide back and four legs. You ever tried carrying the kids and the shopping? Ever tried wheeling a pram uphill with a baby inside and a toddler on your hip? Nah. If you had we’d be talking about motor prams. Does anyone laugh at the motor mower? No. So you went out and got a job, because you worked out pretty early on that all that other stuff is just hard work. On the other hand, being a sex symbol is a piece of cake! Lie back and enjoy.

What do you think? Are mens brain wired to be better in bed? Share your thoughts on Jan’s funny article in the comments below…