Honesty vs Niceness: Which is Better?

Do you think there is conflict between being ‘honest’ and being ‘nice’? I was thinking about this lately, particularly in relation to some of the comments on social media. It seems that there can be a tendency to be offensively rude and sometimes downright abusive, in the apparent anonymity that this medium affords.

Even on the relatively safe and nurturing community at Starts at Sixty, conflict sometimes gets stirred up (especially over political matters!). Recently, I expressed an opinion about my views on Anzac Day and was pretty much told that I shouldn’t have read the article if I am not interested. Is this true?

Or is everyone’s opinion valid? Even those who don’t agree with the majority? When we write, rather than speak, it is even it can seem even more forceful. It might take on a tone we hadn’t intended. You can’t deny or retract… The words are there, carved in stone (or a computer screen) so to speak.

Every day a new dilemma – honest or nice?

But more importantly, I found myself wondering is it how we disagree that matters most? Can we debate and disagree in a ‘nice’ way that is about content and not offensive to a person? Is honesty a good value to hold? I recently covered the topic of ‘Is it ever ok to lie?’ with my group of 10–11 year old primary school children in their ethics class. The scenarios were along the lines of, “If your Grandma makes you a jumper for your birthday and you don’t like it, should you say so or should you lie to spare her feelings?” There was a variety of opinions on this, but most children thought it better to lie in this situation. I might agree, but where does this start or stop? When you ask me if I like your haircut… should I lie or tell you that no, I really don’t? When you rant on about hating a section of the community for example, Muslims, do I stay quiet or do I confront you with my own contrary opinion, perhaps inferring that I think you might be a bigoted racist? Of course, these are two very different scenarios. But, is my honesty of value at these times or not? If I sit down and thoughtfully give you my opinion and views, gently, I am sure, in an email, could I do irreparable damage to our relationship because you don’t get my subtlety, my innuendos? Yes, folks I have done this, ruined a friendship with my ‘honesty ‘ to my eternal regret.

Beneficial – or insulting?

If I get bad service in a café should I smile and put up with it? Or should I confront and state my view? When a friend is ranting on ad nauseum about the same doomed love affair as this time last year, should I (for her own benefit!) point out that she is with a loser and it is time to move on? You get my drift? There are so many numerous examples that seem to occur in daily life when we can choose to agree, disagree, stay silent or speak our own “truth”. Bearing in mind that this sometimes a very subjective concept…

Cultural Difference?

I also am wondering if some of the ‘niceness’ is a little cultural. Americans sometimes seem to overflow with ‘niceness’ but how sincere do we Aussies find this to be? Sometimes, I have found myself in trouble for what I thought was my straight-faced humour (some might say sarcasm). Especially as it was said with a (now decreasing) English accent! I remember one occasion when with a male friend in New Zealand, I was introduced to a friend of his at a Rotary dinner. This new acquaintance and I (also English) had an immediate rapport. We semi-insulted each other from the word go. We both thoroughly enjoyed it, and knew that we definitely liked each other. My Kiwi friend was quite mortified and thought it was born out of animosity and dislike.

How do we find the balance?

So, how do we get the balance just right? Is the event of social media hardening us to the effects of insult and offence? Do we owe it to ourselves and others to state our views honestly? Or is it better to keep quiet and keep the peace? Is there a marked cultural difference in the degree of civility required? I know my Japanese friend is constantly polite but then again, despite almost perfect English, he hasn’t quite got a grip on some of our idioms and insults might be lost on him! Is it ok to be offensive when we really don’t know we are being so? For instance, someone referred to the Japanese people as “Japs” once in his presence and caused immense hurt to my friend. I don’t think the person who uttered had any idea how insulting he had been.

So how do we find balance in our community? How can we make sure everyone’s opinions and thoughts are respected and are also respectful?

Love to hear your ideas – and will try to roll with the punches, folks!