My heart goes out to you! Thank you for your question and for sharing the traumatic experience you went through, including the subsequent impact on you. I know is not easy to be vulnerable and talk about it. I share your anger and your frustration for the injustice of the effect on your life, whilst there appears to be no consequence for anyone else.
If you haven’t already, I would highly recommend seeing someone who specialises in trauma such as this to work through the unresolved feelings you have. There are exercises including a reparative fantasy or repetition with agency that use those feelings to take you from overwhelming frustration and anger to feeling more empowered about the experience.
It is absolutely understandable that it is hard for you to relax and enjoy even the physical touch or kiss of a male. It is a wonderful way that our bodies take care of us when there has been trauma however, it often prevents us from enjoying sexual experiences.
I would love to help you re-discover the pleasure of sexual touch, to begin to relax enough to allow yourself to again feel erotic sensations. But this starts with you alone and bringing yourself to pleasure first. Put aside an afternoon or an hour for yourself and start with exercises I like to do with clients including re-claiming your body, de-compartmentalising sexuality and empowering your erotic self-expression.
It may take a while before you feel confident enough to try any physical touch that is sexual and you may need to spend a few afternoons re-claiming your body. Once you do feel ready to open yourself to pleasure there are wonderful exercises for you including touching for your own pleasure and full-body pleasure mapping that will again allow you to experience the wonderful joy of sexual pleasure and erotic play.