‘Smoky Bear and his trio of singers: A political allegory’

This is the story of four bears and their friends. Most people think their forebears are their ancestors, but these four bears were not. They were koalas. Let me introduce them to you.

First, there’s Blinky Bill Bear. He once lived at the base of a very tall Blue Gum tree. But he studied hard, ate up all his gum leaves and eventually climbed to the very top of his tree. To the horror of the top koalas in the other trees just to the far right of his, he began throwing the choicest leaves and gum nuts to the little forest creatures gathered below.

“This cannot continue!” said one of the other koalas. “We’ll have to get him out of that tree, or others might get the same idea.”

“Let’s shake the tree,” suggested one koala. “Maybe he’ll fall out.” That was Malfeasance Bear.

“No, let’s borrow farmer Clive’s chain saw and cut the tree down,” said another red-faced koala, a glass of eucalyptus juice in his paws. He was carefully nursing a lump of coal, wondering whom he could drop it on.

That particular koala was Barney Bear. Barney lived in another species of gum tree in the New Pommie District. It was indeed a nice tree, though not quite as tall as Bill Bear’s. But, it was home to his lady koala bear and two pretty little joeys.

But Barney Bear wanted more than just one tree, so when he saw a much younger koala in a tree in Cantberra, he decided to ACT. He climbed down from his first tree and sat on the same branch that the new girl koala was using. Soon, more baby joeys came along, which made the Bush Telegraph very excited. Rupert, however, was less than pleased. Barney Bear was forced to climb down to a lower branch, or lose his gum leaves altogether. And his coal shares too, even though he told folk he didn’t shop at Coals.

While all this was going on, Bill Bear was busy going from tree to tree, asking all the forest creatures to vote for him and his trees, so he could continue throwing gum nuts to them. He seemed so sure of winning. Until Clive came along with his expensive new chain saw.

Farmer Clive had a very big farm, on which grew many gum trees; but their leaves were not very nutritious. Poor Lean Bear will tell you that. She often held a party in her gum tree, to which she invited both the Malcolm Bears and Anna Bear. Anna Bear was at first reluctant to attend. “Oh, but you must goanna,” said her friends. So she did.

At these parties, only One Notion was discussed; that Asian gum leaves were inferior to Aussie gum leaves, and must never be imported. Her other friend, Jacqueline Bear, would often sneak away from these parties to compare Poor Lean’s gum leaves with Tassie gum leaves. “No comparison,” said Anna Bear, sneezing and coughing. Her full name was Anna Fillaxis. “Anyone got any Claratyne?”

And now I must introduce the other two bears.

First, and by far the tallest, is Smoky Bear. He lived near the sea, and had great empathy with the sea creatures, such as the sharks, especially loan sharks. He was an expert at marketing and used to attend market whenever he could. One day, after going to market, he came home with a pig in a barrel.

“We should all buy a pig,” he told his fellow koalas. “Then we could all use the same trough.” He often used to trudge to the top of a hill and burst into song.

“To Market, To Market, to buy a fat pig.”
Home again, Home again, jiggedy jig.”

Yet another girl koala, heard his song. She introduced herself.

“Hello Smoky,” she said. “My name is Abridged, since I am so short that I used to live under a country bridge. But that doesn’t make me a troll! I am from the same forest as Barney. But I am a much better shooter than he is.”

“Oh, what do you shoot?”

“I have just joined a gum nut club, and I shoot things with my shot-gum. And I can kick a football and swim the length of a 50-metre pool. In my high heels!”

“Right. Come and join us at the trough. While I am touring around the country planting more trees, you can persuade all the little animals that our trees are much better than their trees.”

“So how do I do that? All trees look much the same. And some trees fall on powerlines and cause the neighbours much grief. Please explain.”

“Have you been talking to Poor Lean? Let me take care of the neighbours. You just help me plant lots of fruit trees, whether they want them or not. Mainly in the marginal areas where you don’t see too many fruit trees.”

While this was going on, unknown to his leader Macadamia Bear, Barney Bear was quietly climbing up the tree he was in.

Smoky Bear didn’t see this, as he was in a distant tree grown only in Hawaii.

Alas! There was so much arson about in Cantberra that a tree caught on fire. The cinders caught many other trees. All too soon the entire east coast forest was burning.

“Come back home and save us!” cried the creatures of the forest. But it was too late for millions of them. Alas! Their homes, burrows and nests burnt to blackened cinders.

But Smoky did come back, and toured the blackened forests, shaking the paws of as many koalas as he could find. Some skimmed up a nearby tree rather than shake hands. They made it quite clear that didn’t like Cinder fella.

“We’ll remember this come next election,” said many of the forest creatures.

And they will. If their election booths are still standing.

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