Sassy at seventy: Looking at the laws of misfortune

I’ve been thinking about Murphy lately, and wondering why he was the only one to take the blame for everything that goes wrong. Yes, I know his blunder was catastrophic, but he now takes the blame for even the smallest thing that goes belly-up.

So I thought I’d look at some laws in a different way.

Parents’ Laws

If you save your bigger tasks for the days without the toddler, daycare will call to tell you he’s sick.

The moment your child expresses undying love for a particular food and you stock the pantry with it, they decide it’s the most revolting thing they’ve ever eaten.

The day after you’ve sacrificed your barista coffee for the next two months so you could buy your child’s birthday present, it goes on sale at half price.

Of course, we all know that there are no laws for grandparents except to love their grandchildren unconditionally and spoil them, but only to the extent that their parents are still happy to leave them in your care. But why should they miss out…

Grandma’s Law

Grandchild, no matter how much you smile and tell me you love me and that I’m the best cook in the world, you are NOT getting a fourth slice of chocolate cake. Oh, all right, maybe just a small one. (Okay, so I’m a sucker for hugs, cuddles, and words of appreciation.)

Grandpa’s Law

When I said you could play hairdresser, cutting your brother’s hair with the garden shears is not what I meant.

And then there are the laws that cover everyone.

Computer Law

The moment you sigh with relief that you’ve finished that homework assignment/work project/uni thesis and realise that you haven’t backed up in a while, the transformer on the power pole outside your house blows up and fries your hard drive.

Gardener’s Law

The only part on your mower that breaks is the one that’s sitting in a shipping container in some foreign country that won’t let the ship leave port due to quarantine regulations.

Car Buyer’s Law

The car you ordered and paid for twelve months ago, which has been sitting dockside in Brisbane/Sydney for seven months awaiting quarantine clearance, has now been declared a risk hazard due to sitting in a field overseas prior to shipping and is now being sent back to its country of origin.

Child’s Law 2023

Just when you think your day couldn’t get any worse because the bus has broken down, the seam on your esky has ripped and your iced coffee container has broken and ruined your laptop, you discover your mobile’s battery has gone flat so you can’t call mum to pick you up and get you to school in time for an important exam.

Child’s Law 1950

Just when you think your day couldn’t get any worse because your bike has a puncture, you sat on your school satchel and squashed your Vegemite sandwich and cupcake, and the ink in your fountain pen has leaked over the book the teacher loaned you, you discover the seam on your shorts has split and you’d forgotten to wear underpants.

Child’s Law 1900

Just when you think your day couldn’t get any worse because your horse has a sprained leg so you have to walk to school, you forgot to put your lunch in your satchel, and you didn’t realise until you stepped on it that there was cow sh*t in the long grass, you discover you’ve accidentally knocked a wasps’ nest off a tree and wasps can fly faster than you can run.

Child’s Law 1800

Gee, I wish I could go to school and not have to work in a factory.