‘How to give your cat a bath and survive!’

We once owned a cat called Ben Her. It was originally Ben, but then it had kittens. This moggie hated water. She would not even walk on grass that had a mild dew on it. Nope, she was definitely a dry-land cat. But one day we –- foolishly — decided to give her a bath. I can now give you the results of our experience with some serious advice on how to bath your cat.

Preparation

Make sure your health insurance is paid up, and that it includes cover for ‘Being Mauled By A Moggy’. In these days of Covid-19, you don’t want to be on the end of a long ambulance queue. If you phone Triple 0 and say your cat scratched you, you might not get an ambulance at all!

Feed your moggie and wait until she/he is comfortably resting on her/his favourite morning napping place. You don’t want kitty to be aware of your subsequent actions.

With your moggie cat-napping, empty the toilet cistern bowl and refill it with warm soapy water. We don’t want kitty to catch a cold. That would be a catastrophe. (Editor: Bad pun warning!)

Cut an oval-shaped wire grid that will fit into the toilet bowl, thus preventing your furry friend from travelling through the U-bend of your Caroma. This will obviously prevent an expensive plumber’s bill, let alone a visit from the Royal Society for the Prevention of Caroma-washing with Cats (RSPCC).

Nearly done. Now make sure there is a clear pathway between the bathroom and the back door. If kitty has to turn a corner, your carpet will suffer, so lay down a rubber mat to help her to the exit. Make sure the back door is propped open, and the pathway to the lounge room and its sofa is blocked by something substantial, such as a folding table.

Put on a pair of sturdy gloves, and perhaps a bullet-proof vest. Open the toilet lid. Okay, now you are ready.

The washing

Gently pick up your cat, and cover his/her eyes so he/she does not see where the washing destination is. Place your cat headfirst into the toilet bowl and slam the lid shut. Place your foot on the lid.

You will initially hear tiger-like growlings, and feel the lid of the toilet almost spring from its mountings. But worry not, dear friends; kitty will not catch the Caroma virus from a toilet. (Editor: We warned you about the bad puns!)

Eventually, the thumping and growling will subside, as moggy becomes resigned to the damp dark prison. Now, sit on the toilet lid. One foot on the lid will not suffice the next operation.

Take a deep breath and press the full flush button of your toilet. Though the entire toilet will erupt in a profusion of feline noise and energy, the Caroma people assure me it will not destruct.

Now comes the tricky bit: the release of pussy from her prison. Carefully ease your derriere off the toilet lid and stand to one side, since there must not be any human flesh in the way of the cat’s swift exodus. Lift the lid.

All you will see is a blur of motion as your cat heads at lightning speed towards the exit. There. Your cat is washed, and you may now remove your protective clothing and restore the house to its normal appearance.

The aftermath

Will your moggie forgive you? Yes, eventually. After all, she/he still has to come inside, after drying off in the sun, to be fed and to re-establish ownership of the lounge or the window-sill in the sun. Just don’t try to repeat this for at least another 10 years!

Editor’s Note: No cats were harmed in the writing of this blog.

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