5 of the funniest jokes about retirement

Oct 11, 2019
These retirement jokes are sure to have you laughing. Source: Getty

Retirement gifts

It was Harry’s last day of work before retirement. His boss wanted to give a speech thanking him for his many years of service.

“Harry is a man who doesn’t know the meaning of impossible task, who doesn’t know the meaning of lunch break, who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word no,” he exclaimed. “So we’ve clubbed together and bought him a dictionary.”

Adult children

John was talking to his parents about life and his plans for the future. His dad, after many years looking after his grown adult child, had a clear message for his son.

“Son, you’re 30-years-old now and we think it’s time you had your own place,” he began. “We’ve just paid off our mortgage and we’d like to enjoy our retirement. Do you understand?”

After listening carefully, John replied: “That’s fair enough. I completely understand”.

His parents seemed pleased with the response and told him how proud they were of him for taking the next step in his life. Equally happy with how the chat went, John walked away and thought to himself: “The first thing tomorrow, I’m going to start looking for a nursing home for them”.

Killing time

A man and his wife, both recently retired, went into town to buy some milk and bread. They were only in the store for about five minutes, but when they came out, they noticed a police officer writing a parking ticket, clearly about to place it on their car.

“Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” the man exclaimed. The police officer ignored him and continued writing the ticket, before sticking it firmly to the windshield. “You’re a dumbass,” the man shouted at the police officer.

The police man glared at them and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres on their car. Getting annoyed, the wife shouted at the cop: “You’re a s**t head.”

The police officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the couple abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

Then a bus arrived and the couple jumped on and went home.

Killing time II

A man was questioned about what he did with his time after bidding farewell to full-time employment. “What do you do now that you are retired?” a friend asked him.

“I am fortunate to have a background in chemical engineering and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch and margaritas into urine,” he explained.

Wisdom comes with age

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said: “You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing”.

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins. After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

“This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “I’m going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins.” The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. “Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my payment yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“That’s it?” the ‘drum leader’ exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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