Jimmy’s English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.
“This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read,” ranted the teacher. “It has too many mistakes. I can’t understand how one person would have made all these mistakes.”
“One person didn’t,” replied Little Jimmy defensively. “My father helped me.”
A man was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. “It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,” she explained to him.
When the plane landed the man urgently rushed up to her. “Miss,” he said. “I’m meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out of my ears?”
A woman was standing in front of a tavern when she saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. Quickly, she ran to the car, jumped in and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.
She got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him: “I stopped it!”
“I know, you idiot!” said the man. “I was pushing it!”
A pregnant woman has to go under anaesthesia to give birth to her twins. Unfortunately, the drugs don’t wear off as quickly as the doctors thought they would and while she’s asleep they’re forced to get her next of kin to name her children so they could be told apart.
When she wakes, she frantically asks the doctor about her babies.
The doctor replies: “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”
The woman thinks to herself: “Oh no, not my brother, he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor: “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”
“Denise,” the doctor says.
The new mother thinks: “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor: “What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor replies: “DeNephew”.