A foreman sent out two groups of men to put up telephone poles along a new highway and asked them to report back at the end of the day. The crews were gone all day and returned just as the sun was setting.
The foreman asked the leader of the first group how many poles they had installed. The reply was 11. The foreman patted the guy on the back and said: “Not bad”.
Then he went to the leader of the next group and asked him the same question. “Two,” was the reply.
“Two! All you installed were two?! The other group installed 11!” the foreman exclaimed angrily.
“Yeah,” the leader answered. “But you should have seen how much they left sticking out!”
An elderly couple died and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off. “We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
A man went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said. “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under … You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
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