Daily Joke: A barber shows off a trick he’s learnt

The barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar coin in one hand and two ten-cent pieces in the other, then calls the boy over and asks: “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the ten-cent pieces and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream shop.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the ten-cent pieces instead of the dollar coin?”

The boy licked his cone and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Three men are waiting to get into heaven

Three men were at the gates of heaven, but there was only room for one person. St Peter asked each of them how they died, and the best story got through.

The first man said: “I was adamant my wife was cheating. I came up to my apartment on the 24th floor and walked in, only to find my wife by herself. I was pleasantly surprised until I saw a man hanging off the edge of the balcony by just his fingers. I went over to him with a hammer and hit his hands until he let go. He fell in some bushes and was still alive, so I grabbed my fridge and lifted it over the edge so it would fall on him. And after all that heavy lifting, I died of a heart attack.”

“Oh that is terrible”, said St Peter as he turned to the next man. “What about you?”

The man said: “Well I was on my 25th-floor balcony doing some yoga and I fell over the edge! I was hanging on by just my fingers when I saw a man coming over, I was so relieved! But then he started hammering my fingers and I fell in a bush. I was alive but very sore. He then threw a fridge over the edge onto me, and here I am.”

“That is just terrible,” said St Peter. “What about you?” he asked the final man.

He said: “Well I was hiding in a fridge.”

An Irishman had been stranded for years

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself: “It’s certainly not a ship”.

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly, there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wetsuit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him: “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years!” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway. “Ah, that is so good! I’d forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s Irish Whiskey?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied: “Ten years!”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket, removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

“‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. “‘Tis truly fantastic!” At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wetsuit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked: “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”