A recently widowed woman requested the epitaph ‘Rest in Peace’ for her husband’s tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible, the words were chiseled and could not be changed.
“In that case,” she said. “Please add ‘Till We Meet Again’.”
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
“Ma’am,” he explained. “I’m on a scavenger hunt and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar.”
“Wow,” the woman replied. “Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?”
“My babysitter’s boyfriend.”
A guy goes into a bar. He’s sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink, when he hears: “You look great!” He looks around – there’s nobody near him. He hears the voice again: “No really, you look terrific.”
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears: “Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!” He then realises that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
“Hey,” the guy calls to the bartender. “What’s with the nuts?”
“Oh,” the bartender answers. “They’re complimentary.”