A husband and wife were on their way home from the bar one night when they got pulled over by the police. The officer told the husband that he had been stopped because his brake light was burned out.
He said: “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realise it was out. I’ll get it fixed right away.”
Just then the wife said: “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.”
So the officer asked for the husband’s licence and after looking at it said: “Sir your licence has expired.”
And again the husband apologised and mentioned that he didn’t realise that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. The wife said: “I told you a week ago that there was a letter telling you that your license had expired.”
Well by this time, the husband was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice: “Sweetie, shut your mouth!”
The officer then leaned over toward the wife and asked: “Does your husband always talk to you like that?”
The wife replied: “Only when he’s drunk.”
An elderly patient went to the doctor.
“I need your help, Doctor,” he said. “Do you remember those voices in my head which I’ve been complaining about for years?”
“Well, they’ve suddenly stopped.”
“That’s good. So what’s the problem?”
“I think I might be going deaf.”
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one and sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second and sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one and sets it down. He repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says: “I don’t mean to be nosey, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?”
The man says: “When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times.”
The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one and sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer and sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires: “I don’t mean to be nosey, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?”
The man says: “Oh, no, nothing like that. It’s just that my wife said that I couldn’t go to the bar and drink anymore… but she didn’t say anything about my brothers.”
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