20 funny one-liners about kicking off the New Year

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

Dear God, my prayer for 2020 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don’t mix it up like you did this year.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve, but dignity is not one of them.

Just heard that in 2020 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

It’s officially New Year’s Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten kilograms so I look skinnier.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square, it’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision and I can’t wait to see them all.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year’s resolution to lose 10 kilograms. Only 15 more to go!

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Years, middle age is when you’re forced to.

I’ll remember 2019 like it was yesterday.

If 2019 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

There have been many times in 2010, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you, and today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2020!