Mending the rift: The first steps to overcoming a painful estrangement

Family estrangement is a heartbreaking issue affecting countless families across the world, leaving many people feeling confused and fairly clueless over how to mend the rift.

Starts at 60 readers have bravely been sharing their own painful stories over the last few weeks, whether they’re suffering from a controlling in-law, an adult child who has cut them off or they’ve been stopped from seeing their precious grandkids.

While the situation can seem helpless, relationships experts have shared some tips and advice on how to try and reconnect with lost loved ones, even if it’s simply to have your say and finally communicate your feelings once and for all.

“Many people experience a form of estrangement, where they are still in touch with their family but can feel lonely, isolated or misunderstood within those relationships,” Elisabeth Shaw, the CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, explained in an exclusive chat with Starts at 60.

“In such cases they might hang in unhappily as physically cutting themselves off is not an option. Then there are those who have been physically and emotionally cut off, who desperately wish it was different, and who long to find a way back. And there are those who choose to cut themselves off because there has been what they perceive to be unacceptable past events or circumstances, and where they don’t experience any hope for change.”

The first steps to mending broken relationships

While it may feel impossible, there are small steps families can take to try to bridge the gap between themselves and their loved ones, depending on the circumstances.

“In most situations I have worked with, I have had the family members very pained by the estrangement,” Shaw said. “It is very difficult to be cut off from people who matter to you, and to live peacefully with that situation.”

She said first off, before any bridges can be built, it’s important to go right back to the root of the problem and acknowledge exactly what it was that caused the estrangement in the first place.

“There is the history of conflict and events, as well as the pride and accumulated umbrage that has been nursed over time, that has to be worked through before any change can be considered,” she explained. “I find that if one family member leads the way to a request for change, others can be looking for a solution too and just don’t know how to get there. They might readily agree to meet, once given a roadmap.”

Shaw said, in her experience, it’s usually invaluable for families to speak to a therapist and accept their help and guidance during the difficult time, as they can often “help the family dialogue to be different”.

“I have worked with many families who ultimately say, ‘I wish we had done this earlier’. Sometimes it is when parents are elderly or close to death, when people realise how much (wasted) time has passed,” she added.

“It is also the case that estrangements can lead to significant losses for others not centrally involved, such as your children.”

It can often seem overwhelming and scary

While the steps may seem simple, it’s important to note how hard and overwhelming reestablishing contact can seem to some people – whether they were the ones to cut things off or not.

Read more: Inside the heartbreaking estrangement crisis sweeping Australia

Perth counsellor and psychotherapist Adele Wilde has dedicated a blog on family estrangement to this issue alone, saying: “It can be overwhelming and scary to consider repairing an estranged relationship, and is usually more difficult than the cutting of ties was.”

She added: “Fear is a major hurdle for estranged people; fear presents as reluctance, anger, shame, avoidance, confused and uncertain boundaries, reactivity, defensiveness, running away… Often estranged people have an uneasy relationship with change, change is usually difficult, and therefore resolving estrangement feels out of their control.”

Sometimes it’s healthier to remain estranged

Ultimately, experts insist the most important step all round is deciding whether you truly want to mend an estrangement at all, as it may actually be healthier to cut ties – depending completely on the circumstances and initial reason for the rift.

Read more: ‘My adult child cut us off due to his controlling partner’, says devastated mum

Social worker and University of Newcastle lecturer, Dr Kylie Agllias told SBS previously: “Society seems to adhere to the idea that families must be reunited, and that this is an easy process.”

She added: “There are situations where estrangement may be the best arrangement for health and wellbeing.”

Shaw agreed, saying not every family’s best outcome is to remain in contact – as, depending on their individual situation, it may present risks and heartbreak further down the line.

Read more: Dad’s anguish as daughter snubs him and refuses to attend grandad’s funeral

“There are some situations where the decision to cut off is the healthy option, such as in cases of past abuse or violence, and so support for people who have had to make such tough decisions is crucial,” she explained. “Not all family situations can be resolved, and indeed in some cases it may not be safe to suggest or desire such a goal.”

This story is part of a series Starts at 60 is doing on family estrangement. You can read more stories by clicking the Read More links above. 

If you are concerned about an estrangement in your family, you can contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or Parentline on 1300 30 1300 for confidential support, advice and referral that will help you explore your options.

Have you gone through a painful estrangement? Did you manage to reconnect with the family member?