Queensland for beginners

One of the “perks” of having lived in a variety of countries throughout my often troubled, but never boring, existence is the annual influx of friends’ offspring at this time of year. They arrive from all countries of the globe. They’re eager and excited, but at the same time almost uniformly naïve about what to expect when they get here. Most have been told by their parents that I’m always good for a few drinks and the odd meal, but as to what to expect from a State that is, (as Kevin Rudd once pointed out to President Bush), bigger than Texas they have no idea.

With this in mind I thought it might be an idea to put out a small handbook that explains some of the more startling idiosyncrasies of the Sunshine, sorry Smart, State. I’ve decided to call it “Queensland for Beginners.” I thought you might be interested in an excerpt.

Size

In a word – big. Queensland actually covers an area of 1,727,200 km, which makes it seven times the size of the United Kingdom, five times the size of Japan and twice the size of Texas, a fact that tends to annoy most Texans, including President Bush, who regard their State as being bigger than the rest of the world.

But Queensland really does have more “bigs” than anywhere else in the world. There are Big Pineapples, Big Mangos, Big Guns, Big Bulls, Big Crabs and yes sadly, even Big W’s. But don’t be lulled into a false sense of complacency. Queensland really is big and therein lays a trap.

When you check the map, please remember that an inch on the map of Australia does not equate to an inch on the map of the UK, Germany or Norway. For example, from London to Reading on a map of the British Isles is about an inch, which equates to about sixty kilometres or 45 minutes down the M4 depending on traffic. On a map of Australia, one inch is the distance between Brisbane and Townsville, which is close to one thousand kilometres and a sixteen- hour drive

Climate

In a word, hot! In fact the highest recorded temperature in Australia was in Cloncurry in Queensland when it reached 53.2 degrees C. That’s nearly 130 degrees Fahrenheit! To put it in perspective you can fry an egg on the sidewalk (or pavement if you come from the UK) if the temperature goes above 43 degrees C. Northern Queensland is usually hotter and wetter than Southern Queensland, particularly along the coast. It can also be very, very humid. It is, after all, the tropics. In practical terms this means that you should not leave sweaters, shoes or jackets in an enclosed space for longer than a day. If you do they are likely to emerge with more fur on them than your average kangaroo. This is called mildew. Southern Queensland has what the meteorology chaps say is a temperate climate. Ha! Try telling that to my wife when the temperature hits 41 C in Brisbane!

Food

In Queensland, eating is second only to drinking as the State’s favourite pastime. In many ways you’re very lucky to have arrived in 2008 instead of 1978. Back then if you’d asked for taramousalata, larb gai or even coq au vin, you’d have been shown the door and possibly beaten up into the bargain. These days Queenslanders have broadened their palates and in some cases their minds. There are now thousands of Thai restaurants throughout Queensland and paella is no longer thought of as a colour or dahl as a term of endearment. In fact there are restaurants that cater to every taste and budget. This is not only good news for you, but also the locals, who existed on a diet of bull and sheep for years. These days there’s as much bull spoken as eaten and when indulging in the latter it’s usually accompanied by a refreshing salad instead of dehydrated chips.

Apart from a good steak, probably the most sought after dish in Queensland is a mud crab. For a creature that spends most of its life lounging about in mud, it’s bewildering that “muddies” are the sweetest tasting of all the crabs. Muddies can be found at most good seafood restaurants and are best served plain with a dash of lemon. Before attacking the crab on your plate, make absolutely certain that it is dead. With those huge claws they can slice through a finger as easily Kid Rock pulled Pamela Anderson. Starting your meal one finger short can ruin the entire dining experience.

Drink

In Queensland, drinking is more than an occasional pastime; it’s almost a way of life. In fact on average, with the exception of the Northern Territory, Queensland males drink more full strength beer than anywhere else in the world. They also have the highest alcoholic spirit intake in Australia.

The most popular drink is beer, but rum comes in a very close second. The most popular rum is made in Bundaberg, (250 kilometres or 1/3 of an inch up the coast) and is always referred to as Bundy. If you asked a barmaid for a Bundaberg she would look at you blankly, so be sure to shorten it to Bundy in the way that Queenslanders do to any name or place with more than six letters.

Bundy comes in two strengths, normal and OP. OP stands for overproof and has an alcohol volume of about a billion to one. OP should only be drunk if you either:

 a) Intend sleeping alone. (Frankly you won’t have much choice.)

b) Have nowhere important to go the next morning. In fact have nowhere important to go for the next year.

c) Have a death wish.

Ordering beer in Australia can be confusing. Let’s look at the different sizes. You can have schooners, pots, tens, midis, fives, beers, stubbies, long necks and daddies. In New South Wales they call the largest beer on offer a schooner, which is just smaller than a pint. Next on the ladder is a midi, which is ten ounces and then comes a five which, logically enough, is five ounces. But in Southern Queensland a midi is called a pot and you very rarely see fives or schooners. But here’s where it gets complicated. In North Queensland you call a midi or a pot “a ten” and you call a five “a beer”.

Due to the climate, beers (or fives) are very popular up North. Fives can be drunk quickly and consequently don’t get warm. It’s for reasons of heat that all stubbies, (the most common size of bottled beer,) come with stubbie coolers. These prevent the beer from getting hot and should be an essential part of your travelling kit. The most common beer on offer in Queensland is XXXX. Do not be confused with the XXXX on offer in France, which is a brand of condoms. The XXXX in Queensland will not help you have safe sex. In fact the reverse is a distinct possibility.

This is just a short extract of course, but I feel I could be on to a winner. Once it’s finished, feel free to drop me a line if you’re about to be invaded by the offspring of friends scattered throughout the globe. It could save you a lot of drinks, not to mention the potential strain to your vocal chords!

Have you been to Queensland? What and where did you enjoy most?