Tobe Frank: If only everything could be fixed with a penis

To be frank, I was intrigued by a news story last week of how an anonymous British artist, known only as Wanksy, was bringing about the speedy repair of potholes by painting an anatomically correct image of a male member around each pothole.

Sure enough, within days of this masked urban avenger encircling a pothole with a ding-dong, the catacomb would be hastily filled…(oh the fun we could have with that sentence!). Whilst the local council claims that the mass appearance of Johnsons around Manchester had nothing to do with their premature rectification, the public was standing to attention and applauding this stroke of genius.

I thought nothing more of it until I was driving home a few nights later, listening to the 6 o’clock news bulletin and the latest political debacle from the Federal Government. Exhausted from the continual stream of policy backflips and economic mismanagement, I thought “how do we fixed this?”

At that moment I had to swerve suddenly to avoid a crater of lunar proportions…then it dawned on me: we should paint a penis around Mr Abbott, Mr Shorten and all their cronies. Maybe we need to put a longfellow around the whole government?

Then I thought, what else could we fix by using images of tallywhackers? Ever-increasing utility bills? Put a wang doodle around it. Telemarketers? A wee pecker should sort that out. Ridding our streets of bad drivers…guess what? Bratwurst is coming their way.

Poor customer service and atrocious manners? There’s a jimmy and a John Thomas for those that can’t exude these simple etiquettes. Drug dealers and dope addicts? Expect to busted by a sebastianic sword very soon. Find yourself with bad neighbours? Tell the grandkids to get the chalk out and have them draw little twinkies all over their driveway…problem solved.

The possibilities are endless. In fact I’m drawing an image of a jackhammer on my expanding waistline as we speak! When I’m finished I’m lining up a little dongle for the missus’ purse.

Who or what would you draw an old fellow on?