A collection of Phyllis Diller’s funniest one-liners

When it comes to legendary comedians, it’s hard to go past stand-up great Phyllis Diller.

The American comic made a name for herself for her brash attitude and hilariously relatable routines in which she poked fun at herself and left audiences in stitches with her garish characters and one-liners. 

She was the first female comedian to joke about her frequent bouts of plastic surgery and paved the way for women like Joan Rivers, Roseanne Barr and Ellen DeGenerous, who have all cited her cheeky banter and no-nonsense approach as an influence. 

Although she died in 1997, her comedy lives on and she’s still making the world laugh 21 years later.

Phyllis Diller’s best one-liners

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: Eat out.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

“My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.”

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

“tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.”

“I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass’.”

“The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.”

“You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

Do you remember Phyllis Diller? Which is your favourite one-liner?