Two goldfish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
A man walks into a cafe with a goldfish under his arm.
He asks the owner, “Do you sell fish cakes?”
The owner says, “No.”
The man says, “That’s a shame. It’s his birthday today.”
One day, God speaks to Noah.
“Noah,” he says, “I want you to build another ark.”
“What, like the last one?” asks Noah.
“Yes,” replies God, “except this time, I want it to have 10 decks.”
“And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?” asks Noah.
“No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it!”
Noah is a little puzzled.
“Just fish?” he asks.
“Yes,” says God. “In fact, just carp.”
“Just carp? Why carp?” Noah quizzes.
“Well,” says God, “I’ve always wanted a multi-storey carp ark!”
I once had a goldfish that could breakdance on a carpet.
But only for, like, 20 seconds…
Grandpa died. To break the news gently to her five-year-old daughter, the mother said, “Honey, Grandpa has passed away and has gone to a happier place. It’s just like what happened to your goldfish.”
The granddaughter looked a bit sad and then replied, “Does that mean we’re going to flush him down the toilet too?”