The hilarious signs you’re older (or just plain old!)

So many things were easier to do when I was young. How about you? Now, I’d rather hire somebody, pray that my partner can help me, or avoid the task completely.

Here are a few:

Trying to remember names at a party

I can’t remember what I did ten minutes ago, so why would I try to recall the names of people I will never see again? When in doubt I just say “Good to see you!” That’s a phrase you can use in any social situation.

Driving in the car with your significant other

This is always a recipe for a fight. I drive very well by myself, and my partner does too. But when we are in the car together, we have different problem-solving skills. Yes, I did see that snake on the road. That wasn’t a pylon. The light was yellow. You get my drift.

Going on any type of ladder

Smoke alarm batteries? It’s doubtful my house will burn down today. Spiders near the ceiling? They eat mosquitos, and besides, they have a right to live just like we do. If you have to address these issues, have your 17-year-old grandchild tackle this chore. You should just stick to the ladder of success.

Getting into the backseat of any car

Even 2-door sedans are a pain in the ass. You’ll need a chiropractor if you’re relegated to the rear of the car. Try to do the driving or sit up front if you can. Or call Uber.

Using a screwdriver

I try to preserve my hands for typing and playing the piano. Why would I want to undertake this? When in doubt, I just use a hammer.

Trying to win an argument with an in-law

You only see them three or four times a year, so why get in a fight with them over politics or climate change? Just enjoy your holiday meal and keep quiet. If you think you can’t resist, take an extra pill before you see them.

Second-guessing your doctors

Most doctors don’t like to be second-guessed. If you think Google is a better source of information, then you’re better off getting a new doctor, or at least a second opinion.

Sitting too close to the edge of the bed

 You and the carpet could have an affair if you don’t watch out for this one.

Trying to fix anything in the house

Thankfully, my partner is pretty good at fixing things. But if I were alone, I would be on the phone incessantly with repair people. If I try to repair anything, I usually do more damage than if I just called someone in the first place.

Trying to figure out where you are without a GPS

Now, this doesn’t always work, but at least a GPS usually points you in the right direction. If you try to remember how to get there on your own, you’ll probably end up at Walmart.

Opening a jar

Why don’t they make jars for seniors? Whenever I try to open one, my thumbs go on strike. Do I really wanna have a pickle? No, I think I’ll settle for a cucumber.

Cleaning the pool

Why have a pool if you’re going to try and clean it yourself? Just let that worm on the bottom of the pool figure out how to get out. It shouldn’t be there in the first place.

Cleaning the oven

My back hurts just thinking about this one. We have to wait three hours if we use the self-cleaning oven feature, so my partner often does that by herself. She’s in better shape than I am. Bending over and looking at all the grime on the oven walls is a recipe for making gummies. I’m happy to wait for three hours. I’d rather write another poem.

Making the bed by yourself

This one is fun, especially with contour sheets. You tuck in one corner, and then the other one comes undone. Make sure you do this with somebody good with spatial relations because it’s a bitch. If that’s not an option, try using your sleeping bag and relive your camping days.

Cooking without a recipe

Did that pesto recipe call for watermelon or garlic? I don’t remember. I cook about once a year.

Well, that’s all for now. What things do you avoid now that you’re older?

I’m sure I missed a few so feel free to chime in if you have some other suggestions for activities you just don’t do anymore.

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