Jeremy Clarkson has revealed he was left with “smashed testicles” after being attacked by one of his cows on his Diddly Squat farm.
The former Top Gear host suffered the savage blow while trying to herd his cattle into a brand new barn, recalling all the painstaking details in his column for The Sunday Times.
“I had a plastic bag full of cow treats, which I rattled to let the beasts know that food was in the offing, but as they’re pasture-fed, they had no interest in my nutty snacks. One of them, though, did have an interest in killing me,” he wrote.
“It’s said a cow cannot kick backwards but I can testify to the fact that this isn’t true. A cow can kick in any direction. They are like Bruce Lee, only more deadly and determined because, having failed to connect with her hoofs, she went for another tack — putting her head between my legs and then raising it smartly.
“This worked well and immediately I was on my knees in the mud with crossed eyes, trying to push the cow away. This, it turns out, is impossible. It’s like trying to push Westminster Abbey.
“I think this was the lowest point in my farming career to date. Being attacked by a cow while on my knees, in the mud, in a storm, with smashed testicles. And all so I can make beef for a restaurant that I probably won’t be allowed to open. I was very miserable.”
Fortunately for Clarkson, the cow relented and eventually withdrew from its brutal attack.
“Happily, though, the attack cow eventually grew tired of trying to kill me and decided, for no reason that I could see, to walk calmly through the gate and on to the track,” he said.
It’s not the first major mishap the 61 year old has suffered while working on his farm. In December 2021 Clarkson revealed in grisly detail how he sliced off half his thumb and was rushed to hospital following a horror kitchen mishap. The incident occured while he was making chilli chips “with much vigour” and ended up slicing off half his thumb on a mandolin slicer.
“I turned and plunged the wound into a stream of icy spring water, which was a mistake because bone is normally surrounded by warm blood and flesh. It’s unused to coming into contact with anything cold and responds by sending a message to the mouth suggesting it says ‘f***” a lot’,” he said.
Clarkson shared a photo of the aftermath to his Instagram alongside the simple caption, “Ow”.