Relationships

Adult kids debate: To intervene or not in an elderly parent’s hoarding

Mar 28, 2018

Watching clutter build up in a loved one's home can be hard.

Watching a loved one hoard decades-old items in every corner of their home can leave many families worrying about what will happen when their relative is gone. Now, a worried adult daughter has sparked debate over when it’s right to intervene, and how to ask parents about their end of life plans for their many belongings.

Sharing a discussion she had with a group of friends recently on forum Gransnet, the woman admitted one of her pals was worried she’d be left with the burden of clearing her parents’ home once they’re gone.

Her friend had already argued with her mother over the issue, after asking her to bin old “magazines and newspapers from the 70s”, but was left “frustrated” when her mother refused.

The user admitted she initially disagreed with this point of view, saying she wouldn’t want anyone to tell her how to live her life, but another of her friends pointed out: “It’s selfish and irresponsible to leave a cluttered house for ones children to clear. So when we feel that our clock is ticking we shall clear our house or have some sort of plan and not to burden our children with our stuff.”

She was left struggling between respecting older relatives’ wishes, and being practical, and she asked the forum: “How did you manage to clear their late parents/ in laws house? Did you find the process healing or frustrating? Did you speak to your parents about that before they passed away?”

The worried mum added: “On the other hand anyone has an actual arrangement on what to do with your ‘stuff’? Do you include that in your will? Do you speak to your children about that? Do you spare money just for the clearance purpose?”

Unsurprisingly, it got a very mixed response from other users who shared their own experiences. Many said they’d told their loved ones to bin whatever they need to once they’re gone, with one commenting: “My stuff is only precious or useful to me whilst I’m alive. What happens to it after I’m gone doesn’t matter. Bin the lot, pass on anything which may do someone a turn, but just get rid of it.”

Another added: “I have told my younger daughter to hire and skip and just put whatever in it.”

Meanwhile, another woman revealed her mother had always been a hoarder, and “it was horrendous when she died”. Now, while she recognises she likes to hoard clothes herself, she is determined to be “ruthless” so her own children don’t go through the same thing.

However, another user insisted it’s wrong to ask a relative to bin their prized possessions, and wrote: “I never would have dreamed of asking her to get rid of her stuff before she died – that would have been awful, telling an old lady that I didn’t want the bother of cleaning up her things, so would she please ditch all her precious belongings. Definitely not!”