Tobe Frank: I wouldn’t mind being a caveman 121



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To be frank I wouldn’t have minded being a caveman… One from the Middle Palaeolithic period I think, some time after man discovered fire.  I don’t mind sashimi but I’m not a fan of steak tartar!

Oh and I’m not talking about my brother-in-law style of caveman either.  That’s the homophobic, wife as a housebound object, do-as-I-say, meat only diet, grunting type of Neanderthal.

I mean the type of prehistoric man where life was simple. Fishin’ and huntin’ by day, roastin’ up a mean mammoth on the spit by night,  followed by a shag in front of the 60″ high definition log fire (which also doubled as your security system!).  Ok so there’s a bit of that type of caveman in me, but at least she’s not tied to the kitchen sink… It hadn’t been invented yet!




That kind of life sounds pretty interesting, pretty simple.  Not too many decisions come morning with what clothes to wear, just a bear suit or leopard skin thong.  No need to shave (I’m not suicidal!).  No need to deliberate for too long over the business tools for the day it’s spear 1.0 or bludgeoning stone 2.2.  Weather forecast… Look outside.  Long range weather forecast… Climb mountain and look outside.  No chance of traffic, unless the wilder beast are migrating.  Sure, I might be in a bit of curry if a tooth needs extracting but at least I don’t have to listen to that incessant whining of the dentists’ drill.

It’s all a  far cry from today though isn’t it?  Some of the things we have created for ourselves in this world just defy logic, common sense, or have just simply failed to be aborted during beta testing. I mean honestly, how did tax or superannuation rules ever evolve. Doesn’t evolution come hand in hand with some expectation of improvement?

Take our tax system… I give the government some from here, some from there, some from places I didn’t even know I had.  Then I get some back, so I can pay someone else, put some over here for another day, but only if it rains, then I can get a refund as long as I’m over 6″ and have a four cylinder car.  But wait that was yesterday… Today the rules have changed!

Super’s the same.  I think the pench only exists because by the time you’ve paid financial planners, lawyers and accountants to work out your self managed super, you’ve got nothing left and have to put your hand out.

Sure, prostitution may have been the first profession, but I am sure psychology came right up the rear shortly after the institution of marriage was created. Can’t marry if your gay, but you’re deemed de facto if you’ve lived with each other for 12 months and you lose half your shit if your part ways. You have to go to court to end an abusive marriage but you can get it annulled the next day if you were drunk in Vegas!

And what about the stock market… Bugger me that thing is so complicated it’s not surprising it crashes spectacularly every few years… They worked out that the bloody thing doesn’t actually work!  You use to buy shares (and get a real piece of paper to prove it).  Price went up, price went down.  You sold it when you needed to or kept it if you didn’t.  Nowadays you can borrow that stock, buy a warrant, a  future (I’ve been telling my kids to buy one of those for years), a CFD, an option and a whole bunch of other completely fabricated bullshit. What in fact are you buying?

Don’t get me started on the preferential voting formulae… That shit is just plain nasty!

Oh well.  Better get some cash from my ATM under the mattress as we’re going out for dinner… I wonder what the PIN number for this one is?

Do you wish life was simpler? If you could revert one thing or system, what would it be?

Tobe Frank

Tobe Frank is a recently retired 62 year old gentleman with many views. He has grand ambitions for his retirement he just isn't sure what they are yet and is constantly looking around to find them. Tobe shares his views on Starts at Sixty regularly as one of our columnists.

  1. Oh, dear, Tobe, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be, is it? I sometimes long for “the good old days”, but were they really all that good? Having to empty the drip-tray from under the ice box springs to mind. But we could play in the street, absorb a million germs without actually dying, and learn respect for one’s elders without feeling downtrodden.
    Or bored. being a caveman might have seemed easier, but it was a bit tougher than we had it in our childhood. Just sayin’.

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