An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold, and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!”
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, the lawn is getting quite long. Can you mow it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like? Jim’s Mowing?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work, and his wife says, “Honey, the tyre is flat. I think we need a new one. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like? Bob Jane?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like? Bob The Builder?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like?” she asks, “Betty Crocker?”