A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
“Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad”, gushed son number one, a surgeon. “Sorry, I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry”, said the father, the important thing is that we’re all together today.
Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced, “you and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between cases and didn’t have time to shop for you”.
“It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived: “Hello and happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were penniless. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married”…
The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yes,” said the father, “and miserable ones at that”!
An elderly couple were in bed one night, and the woman woke up from a nightmare.
She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.
He asked what was wrong. She said, “I had a dream that I died, and you got remarried”.
She asked him, “If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?”. He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely”.
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”. He replied, “Sure, we just have to finish paying off our mortgage”.
She asked again, angry now, “Well would she sleep in this bed?” He thought a while and said, “Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there’s no reason to rid of it”.
She asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?” He replied with a straight, serious face, “No. She’s left handed”.