Living in shared accommodation: How to get along

Living on your own can get lonely at times, as you adjust to life without the familiar sounds of children playing in the garden, adult children coming home at all hours of the night, or a grumbling spouse raking through the fridge and complaining that ‘There’s nothing to eat’. So it’s perhaps no surprise that the number of older Australians choosing to live in shared accommodation is on the rise.

Whether you have been left home alone because your adult children have moved out and started families of their own, due to the breakdown of a relationship or loss, or having given up work for good leaving you with an empty window of time to fill each day, adjusting to this new-found space and freedom can be tough.

Previous research revealed that many over-60s are now opting to move into shared accommodation with other likeminded seniors to cut down the cost of housing and make new friends. While there are several benefits to living in a houseshare, moving into a shared space isn’t without its own challenges though as you need to make sure you’re prepared to share your time, space and even belongings with one or more housemates.

However there are some simple things you can do to try to eliminate any potential issues though, from choosing the right housemates to setting house rules and boundaries to reduce the risk of conflict. Here Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, shares her top tips for living harmoniously in shared housing exclusively with Starts at 60.

1. Choose the right housemates

“The things that are going to be critical relate to the person’s ability to be good at relationships and a team player,” Shaw says. “You may be tempted by what they bring, like a second TV, but day to day, how they will speak to you and what they expect from the arrangements are a higher priority.

“Does the person have their own social life and good friendship network? That will tell you about their relational skills and also ensure that they are not relying on you for their social life! Asking about their contribution to household functioning is important. So their favorite or least favorite household task, whether they are used to sharing, cooking? What boundaries do they like to set, how their flatting experiences have worked (or not) in the past, the most challenging household they have been in and what they learnt?”

She adds: “It sounds like a job interview, but these are all questions where you can also share your own experience so that it is a nice conversation.”

Another important factor to consider when looking for an available room in a houseshare, or advertising for tenants, is whether you’d like to live with people around your own age. Shaw says that living with people of a similar demographic can help to ensure a connection, but she says it is more important to ensure you match well as individuals, when it comes to your values and interests, rather than purely basing your choice on age.

2. Set some boundaries

As with any new relationship, it’s important to communicate clearly with each other in the early stages. Shaw says: “Speaking up early is important before resentment sets in, and before you start interpreting it incorrectly. For example you might see someone as being insensitive about your space, and the new person might be doing it to be friendly. Even saying for the first few weeks let’s have a cuppa each week and just say what’s working and what’s not, can set permission to speak up.”

She adds: “You also need to bear in mind that you will have adjustments to make too, and perhaps your own routines might need to vary to settle the new person in.”

3. Don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations

When it comes to awkward conversations, they are hard enough to broach with people we know and love. So bringing up uncomfortable topics – such as money – with new friends or acquaintances can be hard.

Shaw suggests getting these topics out in the open as soon as possible, until everyone feels comfortable enough with each other to bring things up as and when they arise. She says: “Money conversations are some of the most difficult in all relationships, so setting expectations early is important. Have you thought through the contribution needed and how this might be fraught over time? For example if the person runs a home office you might want more contribution to the electricity bill.

“It’s better to look ahead and predict all the variations, rather than doing it after the person has moved in.”

4. Stand your ground – but not too firmly

If you’re moving into a shared house where everyone is on an even playing field as paying tenants, this might not be too important, but its a whole other ball game if you own the property and are taking in housemates as a way of lowering your living costs or filling your unused rooms – particularly if you’re renting the space out reluctantly. From damage to your property to not being able to use the bathroom or kitchen when you’d like, you will have to adapt and be open to change in order to get along with your new housemates.

Shaw says you should be open to things like wear and tear around the house, adding that this is something you can bring up during the initial interview. However she advises against standing your ground too firmly, as this could lead to conflict down the track.

“You need to be prepared to give ground too,” she adds. “You might like your morning coffee in the kitchen alone, and your new flatmate is a chatter. You might need to sit elsewhere, rather than get others to change. However you can also say this up front “I don’t chat in the morning” so that there is context.

“If you announce things ahead of being in the moment, you can tend to be more free and playful yet firm about what you need. Doing it after the fact can feel harder to tackle.”

5. Everyone should pull their weight

Sharing common spaces with other people can be a recipe for disaster if everyone doesn’t pull their weight, which is why Shaw says it’s vital to get that very first interview right and make sure you ask all of the right questions up front.

“Everyone will agree at that point to do their bit,” she says. “So asking questions about the standard people like, how they are at receiving feedback and what their negotiating skills are like are the best things to check out beforehand.”

She also suggests drawing up a roster so that everyone is absolutely clear about what they’re expected to do, at least at first until everyone settles into their natural roles within the house. Shaw adds: “If you have someone who just pitches in naturally, you might let that formality go. For others, [a roster] can be critical in an ongoing way.”