‘I bet you didn’t hesitate in buying that b**** a gift or two’

So many obstacles have been thrown at us over the years and we have overcome all of them.

Our love is timeless. I can’t believe we are still together after all this time.

I remember the first time we met, you were working on uncle Arthur’s property and you were head down, bum up helping de-ball the sheep. You were exhausted, but when our eyes met you told me you felt reborn, and I felt myself get lost in the sheer beauty of your eyes.

They were so dark, like black pools. These days they remind me of oysters because they are always closed and so bloody hard to get you to keep them open and have you stay vertical for any length of time. You are a long time dead, Fred, time to wake up and start living; you are 70, not 170.

I realise our love has overcome so many hardships, even when we were in our 30s and Betty the cougar had a firm hold of you with her sausage-like fingers and man hands. Remember her Fred, remember what you put me and the kids through, all because she could kick-start the tractor and plough the fields with her teeth. Never mind, all forgotten now.

I have no doubt you will forget me again this Valentine’s Day. I am old, Fred, I am not dead. I would like flowers and chocolates. I bet you didn’t hesitate in buying that b**ch Betty a gift or two. What did you buy her Fred, you two timing b**st**d? Never mind, all forgotten now.

While laying in bed recently I watched you sleep, pondering the possibility of giving you a Tontine sedative. It would be a sure fire way to stop you snoring, but then I remembered our love has conquered so much and I can’t do time because of my allergies, so I decided to get out of bed, grab a bottle, put the television on and drink until I passed out… Happy Valentine’s Day. XO

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