It does not seem to matter how much coffee I drink. It does not seem to matter how much sleep I get… I am always tired. My soul is tired.
I can still do what I use to do, but now it takes me longer and knocks me around a lot. What I used to do in a day – and promptly bounce back and do it all again the next day – is no longer possible. I’ve found that as I’ve got older I need a day to recover from most things. I thought I was reasonably fit for my age, and maybe I am, or maybe I am just stubborn.
I have friends my age that are doing the grey nomad thing, travelling all around Australia and exploring the country. Others are going on cruises and they have told me the cruises are very relaxing. I look at those friends with a twinge of envy, but I don’t know how they do it. If I sit for 15 minutes I nod off. It’s likely I would sleep my way through a cruise, but at any rate I don’t have the time to spare, nor the cash to spend.
When you have been an unpaid carer for as long as I have you lose your sense of self. I’ve forgotten that I am important too. I may have even forgotten to look after myself because I have been too busy being everything for everybody else.
I do worry that I am not going to get a chance to live my life before my life ends. I have not been to a doctor for myself in the past five years; I just haven’t had time. Sadly, I tend to Google whatever problem I have and hope natural remedies will fix it. Being realistic, when my body forces me to slow down I could end up on medical merry-go-round of doctors and specialists. I am not looking forward to what lies ahead. Hopefully I will get the chance and have the energy to do something for myself.
However, at this stage it feels like if I stop I am as good as dead, so I may as well keep going.