The virtual set-up: The online dating world

Have you ever given the online dating scene a go? There are a whole host of platforms and sites that offer the chance to find love. But as always, there can be many hurdles and danger signs along the way which you should be very aware of. Beth Hortin tells her story about her online dating experience and gives us some advice on what to keep your eye out for.

I have lived by myself now for 16 years. Not that I’m counting or anything, but I do get sick of my own company. I have looked at a number of sites on the ‘net’ including RSVP and match.com. I got cheesed off with the latter when I was told “free joining,” but discovered the term was meaningless. I couldn’t do anything until I paid my money in American dollars to America, and I objected to being classed as a “foreigner”.  Then there was the one where I had to fill in the “psych” form which supposedly only takes ten minutes. Two hours later, I pressed the send button and was promptly informed that I was one of the 20% they couldn’t help – so sorry.

One day, I was wandering around the ‘net’ and found a telephone dating site advertised. They gave their full name & address on the Gold Coast. Yahoo – an Aussie site at last! They offered great incentives – introductions to guys in my neighbourhood, personal manager in their office (not that that was what they called her), and they would even place an ad in the paper on my behalf. So I signed up. Then I discovered that you only got that level of support if you paid out $1500 for their top rate. I was the bottom rate so I got basically nothing. But I was constantly encouraged to “up-grade,” and if I did I would get all these additional features.

At the time, I was living in Toowoomba and in my late 50s. They introduced me to a few guys and seemed to send me anything they had in country Queensland. One guy in particular, if I wanted to visit him, would mean I’d have had to catch the overnight train to Charleville. Here, he would collect me from the station as he lived in a village of a dozen houses another 2 hours drive from there. And if the visit was a disaster, what then? No thanks. One guy, and I have to admit seemed very nice but he was in his mid-eighties. I had given a “cut-off” of 5 years either side of my age, but that didn’t seem to worry anyone.

I paid for 3 months (their minimum), but due to a mix-up in their office I was with them for 2 years. I had many cups of coffee with some really nice guys but there was no chemistry. I did speak to some on the phone, and some were absolute bastards but still, nothing clicked. I gave it a rest for several years after that.

I have been a member of “Zoosk,” through Facebook, for about 4 months now. In that time, I have “met”: one lady who wanted to meet another lady (not my scene, sorry), one guy whose photo I looked at and shuddered. I’ve also experience four guys who thought it was funny to send me a 20-year old photo and play games with my emotions. Oh, and one from Los Angeles who actually looked quite nice. Recently, a guy from a neighbouring town sent me a message asking permission to chat. I answered and haven’t yet heard from him although, I know he was on line. It really makes me wonder if it is all worth it. It’s probably easier to stay single. Zoosk gave me a choice of time periods to pay and be a member. I chose 1 month, then found that I had to pay a joining fee on top of that. But I only paid for one month, and I’m still in there.

My most recent contact was a drop-dead gorgeous guy who gave his age as 52, his religion as Catholic, and his residency as Paris, France. I wrote back saying thanks but no thanks – none of that was acceptable – but he wouldn’t go away. He insisted that I write to him via his email not the site, and asked me what I had against his religion. It took 2 or 3 letters of me telling him the things I knew would be unacceptable and eventually, he did stop writing. I was conscious of a great feeling of relief. I know now that he was working under contract in Brisbane which is where he found Zoosk. He loved the place and wanted to come back. I now believe that he wanted to marry me to make his application for immigration easier. Well, it doesn’t work like that in Australia. Someone I know married a Thai girl and now they live in Sydney, have a baby and four years later are still waiting for her residency certificate.

So what have I learnt from all this?

Danger signs are:

• Professing strong feelings for you, possibly even in his first message to you.
• Wanting to move the conversation away from the website to his email – instant messaging or phone instead.
• Asking you for money, perhaps to pay for medical expenses for a relative or similar, but never meets you for coffee. Being on a pension is often good insurance against this last. I’ve never been asked, but I never have enough to share it in this manner anyway.
• And never give any more of your personal details on line than you can possibly avoid. Other people can use these to create a false identity, or target you for a scam. Older people are often seen as more gullible so, if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

So yes, online dating is a hard row to hoe and it takes guts. But all you can do is grit your teeth and keep going. The alternative is continuing to live alone, which is becoming quite unacceptable.