Multigenerational households: Could you live with your children and grandchildren?

Do you plan on living where you are indefinitely? Or could you be tempted to trade in your home as your living requirements change? A retirement village provides just the right sense of community for some. Others prefer to downsize to a unit, or sell up for a dramatic sea- or tree-change. But have you considered moving in with your kids?

In some cultures, it is accepted as custom that as parents age, they will move back in with their children. They can help with bringing up their grandchildren, and their children are able to help care for them, should there come a time when they need the extra help. And of course there is the idea that perhaps they just enjoy each another’s company! It is not as common in Australia, but at the 2006 census, one fifth of all Australians were living in some form of multi-generational household.

I think it’s interesting – and perhaps a little bit rude – that when we discuss multigenerational living is an option, conversation tends towards the big question of whether grown children would choose to live with their parents. But what about the parents? Would you want to give up your home to live with your children again?

There are some major lifestyle factors to consider before making that big leap:

1. Do you want to be a live-in babysitter? If you are going to live in the same house as your grandchildren, you can be sure you will be the babysitter of choice. This may horrify or delight you – that’s your choice. What is important is that you consider the impact this will have on your life before you move in.
2. What will be the arrangements regarding housekeeping? Do you have similar standards when it comes to keeping the house neat and tidy? And what will be the division of labour? This may especially be an issue if some adults in the house are working full time and some are not. Those not working might be perceived as having loads of free time to spend hanging everyone’s laundry. Of course, if you love hanging everyone’s laundry, go right ahead! (And would you like to come and live at my house?)
3. How will you divide bills and will you pay rent? Nothing comes between loved ones faster than money. Get it sorted at the start!
4. Are you prepared to share most details of your life? There are few secrets when you share a home – and that goes double for families! Are you comfortable sharing all aspects of your life with your children and grandchildren? And do you really want to know what goes on behind their closed doors?
5. Do your schedules clash? Are you up and about at the crack of dawn, playing music and clanging about in the kitchen? Or are your kids night owls, who like to sit up chatting until the wee hours? Sort out who does what, and when, before you move in to save any exhausting and frustrating surprises later on.
6. Is everyone being realistic about their expectations? It’s easy to get excited about the prospect of a happy family arrangement, but do you have your rose-coloured glasses lodged firmly in place? It’s important to think about how you will resolve disputes and what course of action you will take if you decide things are not working out.
7. Have you considered the nature of your existing relationship? If you generally get along well and find you can resolve disputes then moving in could work out very well. If there are unresolved issues between you, or if you tend to argue over the same thing all the time, you might want to consider whether living together might exacerbate the issue. If you can’t sort it out before you move in, you probably won’t be able to sort it out after.

Having said all that, living with family can be a wonderful experience, bringing everyone closer together, and allowing several generations to forge a firm bond that might otherwise never be allowed to happen. You will have the opportunity to share in moments together every day you would otherwise miss, and get to know each other on a level you’ve never experienced before.

To give your family the best chance of achieving this wonderful relationship, it’s crucial you set boundaries and write down your arrangement so everyone has clear expectations. I also recommend having an easy ‘out clause’ where all parties have the right to say it’s not working out and move on with minimal hard feelings. Not everyone was made to live together but don’t let it get to the stage where it has a long-term impact on your relationship. If you have to move out to keep things friendly, do it early before things turn ugly!

Have you ever lived with family? Did it work out? What were the challenges and what were the rewards? Or would you consider making the move in the future? Why, or why not?