Yarns that will turn the volume up on a smile

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things. No matter what he tried the parrot would only swear at him.

After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally, the man said: “If you don’t stop swearing I’m going to put you in the freezer as punishment.”

The parrot continued swearing at the man. Frustrated he finally put the bird in the freezer. About an hour later the parrot asked very politely to be let out. As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer, it said “I promise never to swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!”

The owner of a small courier business was being questioned by an ATO about his tax return as he had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year…and you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the ATO officer said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “Didn’t I mention? We deliver anywhere…”

A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his eye walks into the doctor’s office. He says, “Doc, I’m not feeling well. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “First of all, you’re not eating right….”