When you and your partner no longer sleep in the same bed

Years ago, I’m talking 10+ years, I was having a lot of troubling sleeping. And nothing was more annoying than

Years ago, I’m talking 10+ years, I was having a lot of troubling sleeping. And nothing was more annoying than my partner incessant snoring. Absolutely nothing would stop it and he didn’t want to go to the doctor. So we agreed that sleeping in another room and bed would be the best idea. This was something he really wanted to do, and I have to admit feeling a little hurt when he was so excited about the prospect of sleeping alone.

Over the years, our friends have both agreed and disagreed with our arrangements. They think we could’ve compromised another way, or we shouldn’t be married if we don’t want to be in the same bed. The biggest concern for me is that the sleeping apart is not comfortable. Yes, I do get sleep, but I’d trade zero winks to have my husband in my bed. Our sex life is almost non-existent because we almost have to make plans to do it and decide which room is best.

I wonder to myself how other couples get around the issue, and if it caused any trouble with intimacy? It almost feels as if we’re just companions living together because we can never snuggle up or wake up to one another.

It’s hard to admit but a part of me feels like if we can’t sleep together peacefully, then our marriage is over. I feel like sleeping together is the most important part of a relationship, but I’m not sure how to tell my husband. I’ve tried to talk about it with him and he just shrugs it off. We haven’t tried hard to maintain the romance and often retreat to our separate rooms well before bed time. I always thought marriage was about being together, not being alone together.

And because I’m retired and he’s not, bed time is sometimes the only quality time that we get to spend with each other.

Another friend says I should stop obsessing about sleeping in the same bed as it’s a narrow view of marriage. I can’t help but think maybe she’s right and I’m overreacting. I just want us to be happy and I think it’s splitting us apart.. literally.

Is anyone else in this situation?

Tell us, do you sleep apart from your partner? What is it like? How do you keep the romance alive?

  1. Rob Ozanne  

    For several years my wife and I slept in the same room only if we were on holiday in an hotel. Wife suffered restless leg syndrome which we discovered was the fore runner of MS. For the last four years she has been in hospital and I have had to sell our home.

  2. Marguerite  

    Husband snored. Slept in separate beds, & rooms. Had to, as I had a more high-pressured job than he, & I HAD to sleep well.
    I’d no intention of taking sleeping tablets.

    Unbeknownst to me, & something that didn’t become apparent to me for some time, he has AS.

    Now divorced, due his mental issues’, as THAT is what he wanted!

    Sleep very soundly now, thank goodness.

  3. Florence Healey  

    Hi I have been married for 48 years and the last ten years we have not had sex , my husband is 69 I am 66 ,and we still sleep together ,but there is no cuddling ,I wish there was ,he does not do that,I went away to the uk,for five weeks with my sister ,before I left I hugged him kiss him goodbye,when I got home he just give me a kiss and my sister as if I had only been down the street ,no hugs ,my girlfriend and me often talk about that ,I have known my husband since I was 15 and now I am coming up to 66 ,but you sit there and say why has it change ,I still love him, oh well that is life take carexx

    • Cheryl  

      Oh! Florence how I can relate totally with your situation!

      Many years’ ago, husband went on 10 day Scientific Food Conference, & work trip to Cambodia.
      The day he returned, I took an RDO, to be with him.

      First thing he did was unpack his suitcase, & put his laundry into washing machine!

      I actually had to ‘remind’ him what ‘normal’ men do, when they’d been away from their wives’ for such a time. It hadn’t occurred to him! I asked him if he frequented ‘other females’ whilst away? No, said he.

      The whole marriage of just on 40 years’, eventually fell apart, thanks to his non-normalcy in many, many ways. Like you, no sex for last 10 years’ of it. He even took off his Wedding Ring, giving me the excuse ‘it’s too big’. Told him it could be re-sized; he didn’t get that done.
      In his mind, we’d separated, 10 years’ before, but he didn’t bother telling ME! It was my Solicitor who did!

      I wasn’t aware at the time, but information came to me through separation/divorce process, he was mentally, a very ill man. He had a nervous break-down at same time as all the marriage trauma.

      Our adult son now lives with him, which is good. Keeps an ‘eye’ on him.

      I’m out of it, & he’s no longer my responsibility.
      He ‘put asunder’ his wife, by separating from me, & then divorcing me, & has, & will continue, to ‘pay’ for that action, now, & forever.

  4. Sheiraea  

    I am 48, my partner 55, we slept apart 2 years because of my health problems and he sleeps on a mattress I find uncomfortable and very hard to sleep on. The intimacy in our relationship has slowly been eroding over the last 6 years to the point where he might hug me or give me a short kiss but no more. He wants to renew our vows but I don’t see the point if he doesn’t want a full marriage that includes true intimacy. I love him but what is missing is slowly souring what I feel for him.

  5. Chrissy  

    Main thing is that you still enjoy each others companionship and share some interests and social events, a marriage does not have to be sexual and if you need a hug, say so. It is not easy adapting to change that age and events bring but go with the flow and be thankful you still have each other.

  6. Pamela  

    Does he snore ALL night?

    Can you sleep together to start with and if his snoring wakes you, then move to the other room?

    Or if you wake in the night and he is not snoring, slip into bed with him.

  7. [email protected]  

    I understand just how you are feeling now add aspergers ans asexual in the mix it can be a real head banger. Snoring is a real problem and its hard for a male to consider,when maybe the relationship is not in good health from his point of view and hes not likely to even talk to you about it
    i have been in the same situation for many years and find it hard to deal with and from time to time it comes to a head and we spend time together ,plenty of cuddles bo no sex which at my age no longer is all that important at age 70.
    Most men live on love and lust for some time but as we all know the lust departs and you are left with love and men become quite happy with that but need rewards of some sort so they know they are doing ok in the relationship,men are wired this way and rewards are basic needs in their work enviroment as is the case growing up.
    There is no quick fix to this except if you look back to the start of you relationship and renew some of those great moments,you may have to be a little flurty in you dress around home even if only to see if there is and reaction ,my guess if there is then it maybe something you can work on to restore the energy in him. Make him feel special and if there is any spark there you are on the road.
    Bare in mind that you may never get him back in your bed full time but the cuddles will come back best of luck from 45 years married to the same wonderful lady

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