When a baby’s middle name severs a mother-daughter relationship

The birth of a grandchild is usually a time of joy and excitement, but for one grandmother, the birth of her daughter’s child made her question whether she should ditch the relationship altogether.

Writing to the Washington Post’s Ask Amy advice column, the grandmother has pleaded for advice, explaining that she was unhappy that the name of the newborn girl referenced her daughter’s parents-in-law and the grandmother’s own late husband, but not her.

“The baby’s first name is lovely,” she wrote. “It honours her father’s side of the family. The baby’s last name is my son-in-law’s surname. But the baby was given two middle names — a male, ethnic version of my late husband’s name and his last name. My family and I were totally left out.” She said she raised her concerns with her daughter, who refused to change the name to make it more inclusive.

The gran went on to explain, though, that she and her daughter had been somewhat distant with each other even before the row over the name. “My late husband died when she was in her early teens and our relationship, which had been very good, soured. After that, nothing I did was right.” she wrote.

The woman said she had thought the birth of her grandchild would make her daughter realise what a devoted mother she had been, but now says argument about the middle name has made her question whether to continue a relationship with her daughter, “I’m thinking of simply fading out of my daughter’s life. I don’t think she would miss me and, at this point, vice versa.” she wrote. “My second husband’s daughter and grandchildren love me. I think I’d rather devote my energy to having a relationship with people who appreciate me.”

The gran said her only reservation about ending the relationship would be that her natural granddaughter would miss out on a relationship with her.

But advice columnist Amy reckoned the woman was missing the big picture, and advised her to let go of the name issue, pointing out that the daughter was not trying to snub her, but trying to honour her father’s memory. 

“Try to put your hurt feelings aside and do not punish your grandchild for the difficulties you’ve endured with her mother,” Amy wrote. “Just be present and loving, and let the name issue go.”

The grandmother is hardly alone in not loving their grandchildren’s names for one reason or another. A UK survey released last September showed that one in five grandparents actually hated their grandchildren’s names, with Charlotte, Finn, Jack, Lindsay, Noah and Sally coming in as least popular with grandparents.

And six per cent of parents say they have a parent or parent-in-law with whom they’d had such a fierce disagreement with over a name that they no longer spoke to each other. Grandmothers tended to have much stronger views than grandfathers, according to the survey of Mumsnet and Gransnet community members.

Can you relate to this gran’s story? Have you managed to come out the other side of a petty squabble or have you lost some important relationships?