Inheritance bombshells: When a will causes hurt and resentment

Coming to terms with a loved one’s death is one of the most difficult challenges you’ll ever face – especially when it’s a much-loved parent. 

And that hurt can be so much worse when you get struck with a bombshell in their will that you never saw coming.

Whether you’ve been left with less than you feel you deserve, or one of your siblings or close relations has inherited more than you feel is fair, it can be a shock at any age that takes years to move on from, as well as an issue that destroys relationships between relatives.

The issues don’t stop with money, either. While some parents ensure they split their estate equally between their kids, one adult child may inherit valued family possessions such as their mum’s jewellery, while another feels left out. It can lead to bitter resentment and even ugly court battles.

Clinical psychologist Gemma Gladstone, from the Good Mood Clinic in Bondi Junction, recently had a client in his early 60s who had lost touch with his brother. Their mother had allowed the brother to borrow from her a large sum of money while she was alive, but she passed away before he had repaid it – leaving a shortfall in what would’ve been the size of her bequests.

“It significantly affected their inheritance. Essentially, what was left to split up was unequal, because the brother had already taken it. Families can definitely fall apart,” Gladstone told Starts at 60.

Read more: Why it’s time to take ownership of our own death

In this case, or any similar one, Gladstone advises each family member to assess how big the issue is, and whether the relationship means more to you than the money. Of course, whether you believe a fellow benefactor had a hand in causing the will to be unfavourable to you, as in the case above, will have an impact on this decision.

“If [the family relationship] is reparable and it’s not a super betrayal, then I think trying to move on is the best idea,” she said. “However, if someone you trusted has really hurt and abused your trust, then I just think it’s probably worth emotionally disengaging and putting your energy in healthier relationships, for yourself.”

Sian Khuman, a practice specialist for therapeutic services at Relationships Australia, agreed that trying to ensure you don’t hold on to resentments is key to your own mental health.

She told Starts at 60 that a shock in a will can bring up old hurts and inequalities between siblings all over again, even if they’ve been resolved over the years.

“It brings up all the feelings siblings have around who felt more loved, who felt they were given more attention, issues that you felt growing up but often disappear as adults. However, when a will is seen, those feelings can come back up again,” she explained.

Both experts suggest seeking professional help if you’re struggling to get over a sibling fall-out or disagreement with another relative, rather than holding on to a resentment for the rest of your life

Read more: Some think inheritance is a privilege, for others it’s a right

Khuman added: “Even better, if people can just say ‘well that’s where my mum and dad were at, I’m not going to link it to how much they loved me, that’s the way our family ran'”.

Being the benefactor isn’t the only difficult spot to be in when it comes to wills. Many people struggle to make a will because they’re worried about how to tell their kids what they’ve decided, especially if they think it will offend them.

For that reason, a lot of parents dodge the topic altogether – and that can result in some nasty shocks if they pass away without taking the opportunity to explain their reasoning behind their bequests.

“Do you have that discussion when you’re alive, and know it can lead to conflict, or do you leave the will and hope it will be taken and accepted, while knowing there’s a possibility that it could lead to disagreements?” Khuman asked.

She has seen many families end up in court as they’re left shocked and confused by the contents of a loved one’s will, and struggle to understand or believe them. As a result, in most cases she recommends talking to loved ones before it’s too late.

Read more: Act now to ease the burden on loved ones after you’re gone

“If you have a good relationship with your children, and you know your will is not going to be seen in the light that they’d like, I’d recommend speaking to them when you’re alive because at least then you can explain your intentions and purpose, whereas when you’ve passed away you can’t pass that on. The explanation and reasons for it are not there,” she said.

“People often connect the will, and what they’re given, to how much they were loved. Even though it’s not a direct relationship, people feel it is. It’s worth explaining how you came to a decision, and explaining it’s not related to how much you love them.”

Another issue can arise if a parent doesn’t get on with their son or daughter-in-law. Again, the professionals advise that will-makers should discuss it with their own children, and explain why their partner’s name may not appear in their will specifically.

Have you had a nasty shock from a loved one’s will? Has it affected your relationship with your siblings or other relatives? How did you work through that?