Online dating: You’ve been doing it all wrong

Are you still out there in cyber-space looking for Mr or Mrs Right?

Tried all the dating sites and still no luck?

Well I’m here to tell you, you’ve been doing it all wrong.

After some research among friends and acquaintances, I’ve identified the top 5 problems with the way people have been going about this online dating business. See if these sound familiar:

1. Everyone is lying about their age.
2. “He didn’t tell me until the third date that he lives 200km away”
3. Women never say what they’re really looking for, they just list the “romantic” things like walks in the park etc, no mention of someone to put out the garbage or listen with undivided attention to stories about their grandchildren.
4. Everyone is lying about their age.
5. The people I meet all seem to be so much older/more boring/stingier/talkative/quieter/unhappier etc, than I am!

Now I know that you think you know what you want in a mate, after all you’ve lived this long and had relationships before, some very long, or perhaps many relationships but of shorter durations – but if the way you’re presenting yourself on these dating sites is not getting the results you want, what have you got to lose by reading further and taking my advice?

So to start with, I recommend complete honesty.

“Oh no”, I hear you say, “they can’t handle the truth!”

Next, get ‘em where they live. By this I mean, ladies think about the men you have known. They like to talk about topics they enjoy, such as cars, sport, wine, sport, travel, work, their accomplishments, sport.

So perhaps thinking about yourself in relation to these things and presenting yourself to them might attract the fella you’re after – say a man who loves cars. Write your dating profile as if you were the object of his interest – a classic car. It might look something like this:

“On offer a one-owner 1950 sports model, upholstery still in good condition although a little lumpy in parts; good on the gas, sparkplugs still sparking but could do with some TLC; why not take me for a spin, although a warning that I don’t allow anyone to look under the hood until at least the second date”.

Gentlemen you could also benefit greatly from this advice – you know who you are, you’ve turned up ready to meet the lady of your dreams only to find she had more in common with your mum. How about laying your cards on the table and going for the honest approach right from the start? You might try this angle to attract a woman who loves going to the movies:

“Ladies, if you’re looking for someone to be David Stratton to your Margaret Pomeranz, look no further. I’m a little bit “film noir” (dark and moody), a little bit “Jackass” (I tend to injure myself badly when doing any DIY project), and a little bit “50 Shades of Grey” (shirts, pants, socks, jocks, I think it’s either the washing powder I’m using or the rinse cycle, maybe you can help me out with that). Grab your Seniors Card and let’s meet up for a few hours in the dark, the choc-tops are on me”.

For the woman who wouldn’t mind dating a man who has a few muscles and is into sports, I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer on this subject. Having been married to a man who spent many an hour watching Rex Mossop’s footy shows on TV in the 70s (who I dubbed “Rex Marriages” for that very reason) I have a bit of an aversion to football and have never seen the sense in cricket, so you’re going to have to bait your own hook to catch a sports-loving man.

By the way these profile rules should also apply to same-sex couples, it’s just as important to be as up-front as possible whether on e-Harmony or Grindr, maybe more so if the other person is looking for that special someone with whom they’ll not only be sharing their life but also their wardrobe.

So stick to the guidelines I offer about honesty, don’t take yourself too seriously, and above all have an escape plan should the date go horribly wrong. Which brings me to the most important part of this advice – the disclaimer: All care and no responsibility is taken by the writer, however should things go well, all invitations received to attend weddings or commitment ceremonies will be considered if there is to be an open bar.

What would your online dating profile look like if you were to be completely honest?