Help! I’ve lost my grandchildren and I don’t know what to do

These days, whenever someone asks me whether I have grandchildren, I tell them I have two. But the truth is,

These days, whenever someone asks me whether I have grandchildren, I tell them I have two. But the truth is, I have five. Three boys and two girls.

I haven’t seen the oldest three since they were tiny, the youngest was only six weeks the last time I saw him – and that was at a distance; how I regret not holding him in my arms.

It breaks my heart to lie, but it’s easier than facing the inevitable questions. People always want to know why – if I knew, I would tell them.

My son was so happy when he became a father. He would boast that he had the ‘perfect family’, a pigeon pair, and a beautiful wife. When the third came along, things started to change. I had no idea my son’s relationship was breaking down. Maybe I would have done more.

As it was, I was completely shocked when he told me he and his wife were getting a divorce. My first thought was, “What about the kids?”

It all happened so fast; within weeks my son had moved out. They tried juggling the kids around, including one last blessed stay with Grandma for the older boy and girl.

When my son arrived on my doorstep and told me they had all moved to his ex-wife’s native New Zealand, my heart stopped. Without thinking, I blurted out, “But when will I see them again?”

My son accused me of caring more about them than him. Perhaps I did. I mourned the loss of my grandbabies and waited and waited to hear from them. When I asked my son for their contact details we fought again.

It’s now been seven years and my son and I have never seen eye-to-eye ever since. I wonder what he did to make his ex-wife want nothing to do with him – or me. I harbour suspicion, he resents me; we go round and round in circles.

I’ve tried hunting for my grandchildren’s mother on Facebook but to no avail. I’ve been told I have no rights and considered hiring a private detective, but the cost is outrageous.

The worse thing about this whole situation is that, as much as I love them, I find it difficult to bond with my son’s two children from his next marriage. Seeing them only reminds me of the empty frames where their half-siblings’ pictures should be.

I don’t know what to do next. Perhaps I’m better off pretending they don’t exist…

Do you have any advice for this grandmother? Are you in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences.

  1. Then as young adults they found me
    In uk we have grandparent rights Thinking of you and only you now your pain but I knew pain I had to live with and a son back home with us devastated

  2. Heartbreaking, you are the grandparent you are as far as I know entitled to see them or be in contacted with them, I would seek legal assistance or as Susan said the assistance of the Salvation Army the do have the Salvation Army in NZ

    • geraldine hannah  

      Keep trying on facebook. sooner or later your grandchildren will open an account and you will be able to talk directly with them. I know some very very young children who use facebook.

  3. Sad story, but surely your son is in contact with his children of first marriage and, therefore, his ex wife!

  4. Sad story, but surely your son is in contact with his children of first marriage and, therefore, his ex wife!

  5. This is sad. I have step grandchildren. I was there when they were born. When my husband and I split up his son stopped talking to me. I was not included as part of the family or part if the grand children’s life. I haven’t seen them in over four years.

  6. This is sad. I have step grandchildren. I was there when they were born. When my husband and I split up his son stopped talking to me. I was not included as part of the family or part if the grand children’s life. I haven’t seen them in over four years.

  7. Bente  

    I have a pretty box each with the grand children’s name and picture and every year I put a little something in it,I also put things in it from the family history . It,s better than nothing and one day when they get older they will know you have been thinking of them. Stay happy

  8. Suggest you check the NZ Electoral Rolls for the mother This was how I located my sisters.

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