A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked him.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths”, the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards… ”
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”
The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”
“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water,” she asked.
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The woman smiled, “When you’re my age; you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”