Funny things people have actually said in court

Court rooms are supposed to be a serious place, where experts and witnesses give evidence, lawyers present and argue facts

Court rooms are supposed to be a serious place, where experts and witnesses give evidence, lawyers present and argue facts and a jury of peers determine innocence or guilt. So it might come as a surprise that sometimes people say the strangest things.

These are supposedly things that were said during court in America and recorded in a book, Disorder in the Court. This book if filled with hundreds of funny things that have been said in court and recorded. We can’t believe some of them!


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Can you believe them? Ever heard something funny in court?


Have a funny joke or story to share? Submit them here.

  1. Warren Whittle  

    Now you understand why the word “barrister” appears in the dictionary somewhere between “bankrupt” and “bastard”!

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