Help! My wife and I have not been sexually active for years. How can we keep up our sex life?

Q: My wife and I have not been sexually active for 3-4 years due to ongoing health issues. I now have an erectile dysfunction problem. How can we keep up our sex life?

It is a challenging time going through a health issue, we often let go of the things that seem optional, even if they do bring us pleasure, and sex is usually one of the first things to go. 

We are also taught that sex should just happen, it should be natural, spontaneous and wonderful every time. Unfortunately, beyond the first few years, it doesn’t work like that. We have to work at it and prioritise it when sometimes we just feel like going to sleep or reading a book. 

Re-igniting a sex life can seem hard, especially if you are experiencing some erectile dysfunction. However, sex can be a wonderful, intimate and pleasurable experience even without an erection or climaxing. 

Making time for it is the first step, set a date and create a space that will make you feel relaxed, and put you in the mood. Think about what you both find pleasurable. It may be lighting a fire, dimming the lights, putting on music, or enjoying your favourite meal or beverage. 

Don’t think about it as genital sex or climaxing, think about it as feeling connected and intimate again with your wife. Take the time to look at each other, slow your breathing down and slowly touch each other around the upper body, face, ears, and neck. 

Alternate between feather-light touch and holding touch to help you feel the sensations around your body, and begin to remember how good it feels to touch your wife and be touched by her. 

Only if it feels natural and right, move your touch down each other’s bodies to the thighs, lower back, and buttocks, but don’t feel any pressure to do so. If you are enjoying it, stay with it and remember a great sex life is all about deepening intimacy and connecting in a pleasurable way with our partner(s). 

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